- 3:19am -

I started working out again, though I'm making little progress so I'm gonna have to step it up some notches.


The breakup blues are kicking in. I'm over him, I really am. But there's just all of those sweet memories replaying over and over. Like him dancing around with me in my room that night. What I'd give to have the old him back. Maybe I'm looking for the old me honestly, I feel like I changed. No, I know better then that. I didn't change, I truly didn't. I'm only changed now. He taught me what I want and what I don't want in a relationship. He taught me not to respect the disrespectful. He taught me to laugh a little and not take things so serious.

Maybe I miss him.


I just wish he cared for me like he used to. It got the point where I just felt like a friend to him that he could call when it was convenient for him.

I miss my old self. I was a whole different person with him, I don't know who I am anymore. It's like all I care about is myself anymore. I guess that's expected though, you know coming out of a relationship where I'm used to caring about him and now I don't have anybody to give that care to besides myself. But it's honestly helped me a lot, I've been more productive and I care a lot more about my image and room. I keep my stuff clean and tidy. It's nice having a little bit of self respect now. I'm starting to slowly become more self aware as well, I listen to my gut and don't say the random things that aren't important anymore. I feel like a more likeable person, but at the same time, I don't like people anymore so I'll never know

So, Cody dumped me the other day. Said there wasn't a connection anymore pretty much. I get that, I don't care. I don't care anymore. I'm just worried about myself, I need to figure out what I want and what I'm gonna do for highschool. Where I'm going with my life. I don't need anybody right now. I'm taking a break for a while from relationships. I don't need anybody but myself honestly, I really thought I'd be sad but I just feel, free. Like for once my moods not dependent on Cody or anybody else but myself. It's nice.

It's just sad how many reminders there are everyday of him. It's depressing. I miss him, but I don't want him back. He hurt me so f***ing much. I wish the best for him, and I hope he figures his sh*t out before he gets another girl, or I hope he at least treats her better while he can.

-4:04am- love you

- 2:13am -


Helped with the fireworks like I normally do. The ones we saw yesterday were beautiful, they literally got me emotional (Might just be getting close to that time of the month but still.) Still my favorite holiday. Didn't get to light all my stuff so in the leftover box it goes. Fireworks are expensive nowadays bro.

Debating on whether to go to Cody's tmrw or not. I know I'm just gonna get hurt somehow but he really wants me to go. He hasn't talked to me all day and it's scaring me. Hopefully he just fell asleep.

I really had a good day today, maybe I'm getting better..? I don't know. I'm gonna take a shower though. I broke the promise yesterday in the shower and I feel like sh*t about it. It sucks because it's not like I can tell him either.

Love you guys, I really do. - 2:17am -

- 8:02 -

We went out for fireworks today, that's good I guess. It's my favorite holiday, hopefully it goes good. Might be my last honestly, I don't know how much more I can take of this sh*t. I can't do this anymore. It hurts, the possibility of my life being like this forever. I've asked and asked but now I realize he genuinely just doesn't have time for me. It hurts. I'm so tired of crying. I just want to get better.

I'm gonna take a nap and hopefully stay asleep for the rest of the day. I hate being alive. I f***ing hate it. I don't have anybody anymore. What the f*** happened to me..??


God please f***ing help me.




I love you stranger, I'm sorry for these 'emo' posts.

-11:31 -

I started talking to Brayden again, that helped quite a bit. I guess things are normal between us now, I hope. I kept joking with him today saying he was gay, though I'm actually starting to believe cameron rubbed off on him..but anyways. I'm just glad he's doing a bit better, better than me atleast.

I don't suppose there's a lot to write about today, same things with Cody. If he doesn't start making an effort to talk to me first I'm gonna lose interest, there's not a lot keeping me anymore. I explained my hurt and keep getting hurt so I give up, I've officially given up on him after all this time. I don't think he realizes why I've been the way I've been these past couple of days, I'm alone. I feel so alone right now and he doesn't get that. I'm starting to look for other ways to get the attention he's not giving me and he's gonna regret it some day. I feel like an attention whore for saying that but it's the truth. I need someone, and here lately some 'things' aren't cutting it for me. I don't have anything to catch thrills with anymore, I'm stuck. This summer is an absolute nightmare. I just wish I had someone who cared. Hate to say it, but I lost everything when I chose Cody over Brayden. Brayden knew it too. He keeps saying I told you so, which he did, and I knew it too.

I'm feeling so much to a point where I'm gonna go numb soon, and then I'm gonna be the bad guy. Everybodys testing me lately. Finna test how well my wrist can fight a blade. I hate everything. There's nothing left for me anymore. But that being said, it is what it is. I'm just gonna have to get used to being alone now, the only way I'll get myself out of this depression pit I've been in.


To anyone still even looking at these, goodnight. ❤

- 11:40 - Damn I'm getting earlier and earlier with these.