Blog Home
View All Posts
ꜱᴍᴏᴋᴇ ᴏɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘᴏʀᴄʜ
I've got all these things in my head and I don't know if it's the cause of my suffering, it might be a good factor of it. I get ripped apart by my own self and just about when I think I'm done an outsider grabs me by the collar and yanks me left and right, all around until I'm just shredded
But yeah, uh. I've been thinking about time all night, ever since I came home, cuddled with Miles some, and went outside for a bit, that's where I'm at currently.
Time's a scary thing, but I think we all know that anyway. So much time has passed and I haven't noticed. It's going by so rapidly and it makes me so choked up because, it's not that I'm wasting my life, but I feel. I don't know, like it's just terrifying, you can't stop it. No one can get in the way of time, and time holds events, and these events hold effects on your person. I don't want to change, I don't want to go through anything anymore. Maybe that's just my thoughts right now, maybe I'm just influenced by myself right now, you know. But for now, for this one night I'm out here on the porch with a cigarette in between my fingers, I'm scared of the future and what I can be and how tiring it all might be. But I don't think that's my main concern anyway.
I feel like I've never really known who I am, I feel like everyone's like that. How can I forget about who I am if I've never truly known from the start? Maybe I'm still that kid from Elementary, I think so. If not, I miss him, and I want to tell him things. What, specifically? I couldn't give you the answer. And I'm saying and thinking all these things but in the end all that's left is a kid sitting on his porch and thinking a little too hard and looking through the wrong pair of eyes. Don't get me wrong, I like not being a miserable sap, I love it. But sometimes I get worn down to truly just being a guy kicking dirt and looking at the rust on the chain-linked fence rather than the leaves on a tree, and I'm sorry for that.
As you can see, or probably guess by now, this is a casual sadness, I'm not going to try to make this all more dramatic than it actually is. I'm not going to say I broke down on this porch, because I'm just sat here, like I said. I'm doing nothing but smoking. There's nothing special about the smoke. I just am smoking. There might not even be anything special about this talk, I think I'm just trying to get out these thoughts while I can. I feel like tomorrow I'll be more dead than I think, I just can't seem to want to make it through nowadays.
But yeah, uh. I've been thinking about time all night, ever since I came home, cuddled with Miles some, and went outside for a bit, that's where I'm at currently.
Time's a scary thing, but I think we all know that anyway. So much time has passed and I haven't noticed. It's going by so rapidly and it makes me so choked up because, it's not that I'm wasting my life, but I feel. I don't know, like it's just terrifying, you can't stop it. No one can get in the way of time, and time holds events, and these events hold effects on your person. I don't want to change, I don't want to go through anything anymore. Maybe that's just my thoughts right now, maybe I'm just influenced by myself right now, you know. But for now, for this one night I'm out here on the porch with a cigarette in between my fingers, I'm scared of the future and what I can be and how tiring it all might be. But I don't think that's my main concern anyway.
I feel like I've never really known who I am, I feel like everyone's like that. How can I forget about who I am if I've never truly known from the start? Maybe I'm still that kid from Elementary, I think so. If not, I miss him, and I want to tell him things. What, specifically? I couldn't give you the answer. And I'm saying and thinking all these things but in the end all that's left is a kid sitting on his porch and thinking a little too hard and looking through the wrong pair of eyes. Don't get me wrong, I like not being a miserable sap, I love it. But sometimes I get worn down to truly just being a guy kicking dirt and looking at the rust on the chain-linked fence rather than the leaves on a tree, and I'm sorry for that.
As you can see, or probably guess by now, this is a casual sadness, I'm not going to try to make this all more dramatic than it actually is. I'm not going to say I broke down on this porch, because I'm just sat here, like I said. I'm doing nothing but smoking. There's nothing special about the smoke. I just am smoking. There might not even be anything special about this talk, I think I'm just trying to get out these thoughts while I can. I feel like tomorrow I'll be more dead than I think, I just can't seem to want to make it through nowadays.
ʙᴇɴᴇᴀᴛʜ ᴛʜᴇ ʙᴏᴀʀᴅᴡᴀʟᴋ
Okay I need a place to keep record of all the rps I've had with @strong_cheese
> Snowed in
Miles' house burns down, Alex lets him stay with him
era: (greaser/pre-humbug, can be depicted either way) (general a bit longer beatles cut miles)
drunk alex, confused and sad miles, snowball fight, alex f***ing dabs sarcastically, smugass hungover alex, "nightmare" - it being real, pancakes and bacon, scared alex, tired miles, alex throws up his life
> Prof. Miles
era: (shaved head miles) (humbug Alex)
Miles wants to help his student, Alex
little troubled alex, inattentive and uncaring alex, cool shaved head teacher miles, messes with alex sometimes, alex gets irritated, matt rolls his eyes basically
> Prof. Miles continuation
era: (^^^^)
Alex is bored, Miles is working
lives with miles secretly at this point, lying to his parents, lots of alcohol consumption on alex's part, worried miles, easygoing miles, no f***ing strawberries, alex gets carried and feels like god
> Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High > Based off the music video
era: (greaser alex) (longer beatles cut miles)
Alex stumbles around, Miles helps him inside
dropping alex on the couch, soup, alex groaning every other second, unfortunate relationships, kind of rude alex, miles raising his eyebrow, alex shrugging, alex gets f***ed over by a girl, alex and miles aren't together
> Wake up h
era: (humbug alex) (longer beatles cut miles)
Alex doesn't wanna sleep, Miles /does/
this one didn't last long, alex wants to convince miles to stay up, miles doesn't oblige, miles is sunken into the mattress, is miles even alive, lots of compliments thrown alex's way, alex jokingly accuses manipulation and ends up going to sleep with him
> Sh*tty pep rally
era: (beatles cut alex) (beatles cut miles)
Alex has no choice but to sit next to Miles Kane
the only free spot is next to miles, alex shyly says his name, miles ends up bringing alex's personality out qucker than he'd thought, lots of laughing, offensive jokes, emos, music, sarcastic alex, ditching, park, kicking door open, cautious alex
> Why is Alex such a problem
era: (greaser alex) (longer beatles cut miles)
"i think the second one we did where Alex gets to Miles' place beat the FRICK up and Miles gives Alex a bath"
beat up alex, alex wants to die as usual, f*** that girl, miles is worry, but guess what he gets a bath, happy alex, being cared for is a Luxury
There might be more idk
> Snowed in
Miles' house burns down, Alex lets him stay with him
era: (greaser/pre-humbug, can be depicted either way) (general a bit longer beatles cut miles)
drunk alex, confused and sad miles, snowball fight, alex f***ing dabs sarcastically, smugass hungover alex, "nightmare" - it being real, pancakes and bacon, scared alex, tired miles, alex throws up his life
> Prof. Miles
era: (shaved head miles) (humbug Alex)
Miles wants to help his student, Alex
little troubled alex, inattentive and uncaring alex, cool shaved head teacher miles, messes with alex sometimes, alex gets irritated, matt rolls his eyes basically
> Prof. Miles continuation
era: (^^^^)
Alex is bored, Miles is working
lives with miles secretly at this point, lying to his parents, lots of alcohol consumption on alex's part, worried miles, easygoing miles, no f***ing strawberries, alex gets carried and feels like god
> Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High > Based off the music video
era: (greaser alex) (longer beatles cut miles)
Alex stumbles around, Miles helps him inside
dropping alex on the couch, soup, alex groaning every other second, unfortunate relationships, kind of rude alex, miles raising his eyebrow, alex shrugging, alex gets f***ed over by a girl, alex and miles aren't together
> Wake up h
era: (humbug alex) (longer beatles cut miles)
Alex doesn't wanna sleep, Miles /does/
this one didn't last long, alex wants to convince miles to stay up, miles doesn't oblige, miles is sunken into the mattress, is miles even alive, lots of compliments thrown alex's way, alex jokingly accuses manipulation and ends up going to sleep with him
> Sh*tty pep rally
era: (beatles cut alex) (beatles cut miles)
Alex has no choice but to sit next to Miles Kane
the only free spot is next to miles, alex shyly says his name, miles ends up bringing alex's personality out qucker than he'd thought, lots of laughing, offensive jokes, emos, music, sarcastic alex, ditching, park, kicking door open, cautious alex
> Why is Alex such a problem
era: (greaser alex) (longer beatles cut miles)
"i think the second one we did where Alex gets to Miles' place beat the FRICK up and Miles gives Alex a bath"
beat up alex, alex wants to die as usual, f*** that girl, miles is worry, but guess what he gets a bath, happy alex, being cared for is a Luxury
There might be more idk
ᴊᴜxᴛᴀᴘᴏsɪᴛɪᴏɴ
These are headcanons and just more "personal" things abt my Alex
> Alex is a curious individual and I've made him that way extremely since Beatles cut era but it seems more apparent in Humbug, seeing something fishy he doesn't mind investigating it, even though it might break his heart or get him in trouble.
> Waking up in a pool of his fluffy Humbug hair, he usually has a cigarette, and often falls asleep in clothes from the day before, showering in the morning.
> He has a feeling when in his head, it's a comfortable feeling, he usually feels that it's a comforting thing when he tunes back into reality.
> Usually he doesn't really like people playing with or brushing his hair but Miles and Matt are exceptions, and Matt wouldn't do it, so it's more of a Miles exclusive.
> Despite being quiet, once a person he loves has him talking, it's VERY possible he could go on for a damn while.
> Sometimes he goes out on walks and finds himself wandering for a while.
> When Alex wants something, it will become very apparent. But if the other person tells him to stop - depending on who - he will oblige.
> Sometimes he feels disconnected from life, and when he feels too connected he usually would want out.
> He adores the thought of romance
> Sometimes spending time on his appearance really cheers him up for the day; it's like having order and also giving you some push with self esteem.
> Though he hates admitting it to other people, sometimes he subconsciously beats himself up in the emotional department, despite that obviously being unhealthy.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Dating Miles' headcanons:
> He can never wait for Miles to get home so they both can dance to a new song Alex found a love for.
> He thinks Miles' voice is the most endearing and unique thing ever, feeling his heart leap whenever Miles is the one to rant for the night when they're both huddled up to each other.
> When he finds rings of Miles' laying around the house, he usually takes them, it's like "finders keepers losers weepers" but it appears there's no reason for Alex to take them. He just does.
> He has Miles' songs in his playlist and hopes Miles feels glad when one comes on. It's like a distant "i love you" coming from another room.
> He would do any silly thing for Miles, being unsure about the more feminine clothes he was bought one day. Though over time the more he accepted new types of styles and took risks with himself, he found he liked it, casually wearing the socks and/or shorts around the house. (There's nothing extremely sexual about these articles of clothing, Miles just thinks Alex looks cute in them)
> With the previous thing being said, he always loves a challenge from the right person and gets a little happy inside when Miles shows him something new or takes him out of his comfort zone he'd always been in since Beatles cut
> He enjoys senses. The smell of cologne, the feel of fabric, the sight of someone's expressions and body language, the sound of someone - this is all very well just additional reasons why he loves Miles. Miles is very prominent in all the senses for Alex to take in and love.
> Alex is a curious individual and I've made him that way extremely since Beatles cut era but it seems more apparent in Humbug, seeing something fishy he doesn't mind investigating it, even though it might break his heart or get him in trouble.
> Waking up in a pool of his fluffy Humbug hair, he usually has a cigarette, and often falls asleep in clothes from the day before, showering in the morning.
> He has a feeling when in his head, it's a comfortable feeling, he usually feels that it's a comforting thing when he tunes back into reality.
> Usually he doesn't really like people playing with or brushing his hair but Miles and Matt are exceptions, and Matt wouldn't do it, so it's more of a Miles exclusive.
> Despite being quiet, once a person he loves has him talking, it's VERY possible he could go on for a damn while.
> Sometimes he goes out on walks and finds himself wandering for a while.
> When Alex wants something, it will become very apparent. But if the other person tells him to stop - depending on who - he will oblige.
> Sometimes he feels disconnected from life, and when he feels too connected he usually would want out.
> He adores the thought of romance
> Sometimes spending time on his appearance really cheers him up for the day; it's like having order and also giving you some push with self esteem.
> Though he hates admitting it to other people, sometimes he subconsciously beats himself up in the emotional department, despite that obviously being unhealthy.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Dating Miles' headcanons:
> He can never wait for Miles to get home so they both can dance to a new song Alex found a love for.
> He thinks Miles' voice is the most endearing and unique thing ever, feeling his heart leap whenever Miles is the one to rant for the night when they're both huddled up to each other.
> When he finds rings of Miles' laying around the house, he usually takes them, it's like "finders keepers losers weepers" but it appears there's no reason for Alex to take them. He just does.
> He has Miles' songs in his playlist and hopes Miles feels glad when one comes on. It's like a distant "i love you" coming from another room.
> He would do any silly thing for Miles, being unsure about the more feminine clothes he was bought one day. Though over time the more he accepted new types of styles and took risks with himself, he found he liked it, casually wearing the socks and/or shorts around the house. (There's nothing extremely sexual about these articles of clothing, Miles just thinks Alex looks cute in them)
> With the previous thing being said, he always loves a challenge from the right person and gets a little happy inside when Miles shows him something new or takes him out of his comfort zone he'd always been in since Beatles cut
> He enjoys senses. The smell of cologne, the feel of fabric, the sight of someone's expressions and body language, the sound of someone - this is all very well just additional reasons why he loves Miles. Miles is very prominent in all the senses for Alex to take in and love.
ᴘᴜᴘᴘᴇᴛ sᴏɴɢ
1st journal ; www.roleplay.me/blog/119087 ; emotional, all about Miles
2nd journal ; www.roleplay.me/blog/123841 ; thoughts about recent feelings
-
Tuesday, April 3
[2:57 AM]
What's up? It's me again, back to something I should be famous for; writing paragraphs in these journals.
Why am I starting a new one you ask? I feel it's necessary for some reason. So Miles and I have been gone for a while, doing the usual. Yunno. Not safe for work things, safe for work things, things, things, and more things. Easter went well and how you'd expect any easter to go. I've got some candies left over, I spent most of the time throwing Smarties into Miles' mouth or just putting his head on my lap and feeding him some as we watched a horror movie. We've kind of been taking things slow, as slow as we can take them. Comfortably, I've been trying to not feel as sh*t, some nights make it harder than others. I had a horrible time last night though, I didn't tell anyone about it really, it was sort of pathetic. But to myself in the future, you'll know what I'm talking about when I say "wishing" connected to this certain "horrible night"
Yeah, that one. Anyway, I didn't get over it this morning and ended up doing absolutely nothing all day. I slept in while Miles went out ( I think he expected me to go out too ) and all that. Today technically is the next day, I don't want to do anything today, but I know I will. I just wish black nights with smooth music could be everlasting, and I don't want to leave this entry, these writings - because it makes me feel like I'm not alone and gotta go to bed. But I do, so goodbye.
Wednesday, May 2
[2:05 PM]
Do you ever feel like you don't deserve someone? I've quit crying, I've got this haircut and new aviators. I can't wait until summer with Miles but I'm scared since all good things come to a crumbling end and you'll be left dawning back on it and hoping you'll have a time like that again. I don't want it to be a memory, I wish we could lay around with each other forever. He's such a ghost to me sometimes, unbelievable and from somewhere unknown but familiar at the same time. If I could live in the arms of my glowing ghost forever, I would. He's such a sight, it's unreal. Help me, I've honestly been possessed.
2nd journal ; www.roleplay.me/blog/123841 ; thoughts about recent feelings
-
Tuesday, April 3
[2:57 AM]
What's up? It's me again, back to something I should be famous for; writing paragraphs in these journals.
Why am I starting a new one you ask? I feel it's necessary for some reason. So Miles and I have been gone for a while, doing the usual. Yunno. Not safe for work things, safe for work things, things, things, and more things. Easter went well and how you'd expect any easter to go. I've got some candies left over, I spent most of the time throwing Smarties into Miles' mouth or just putting his head on my lap and feeding him some as we watched a horror movie. We've kind of been taking things slow, as slow as we can take them. Comfortably, I've been trying to not feel as sh*t, some nights make it harder than others. I had a horrible time last night though, I didn't tell anyone about it really, it was sort of pathetic. But to myself in the future, you'll know what I'm talking about when I say "wishing" connected to this certain "horrible night"
Yeah, that one. Anyway, I didn't get over it this morning and ended up doing absolutely nothing all day. I slept in while Miles went out ( I think he expected me to go out too ) and all that. Today technically is the next day, I don't want to do anything today, but I know I will. I just wish black nights with smooth music could be everlasting, and I don't want to leave this entry, these writings - because it makes me feel like I'm not alone and gotta go to bed. But I do, so goodbye.
Wednesday, May 2
[2:05 PM]
Do you ever feel like you don't deserve someone? I've quit crying, I've got this haircut and new aviators. I can't wait until summer with Miles but I'm scared since all good things come to a crumbling end and you'll be left dawning back on it and hoping you'll have a time like that again. I don't want it to be a memory, I wish we could lay around with each other forever. He's such a ghost to me sometimes, unbelievable and from somewhere unknown but familiar at the same time. If I could live in the arms of my glowing ghost forever, I would. He's such a sight, it's unreal. Help me, I've honestly been possessed.
ʜᴜᴍʙᴜɢ
(Not dated but it all happened in the month of February.)
Friday, February 16
Y'know how people talk about being jealous and then they pass it off as something quirky and makes them just look adorably obsessed with their s/i? Yeah is that a real thing bc when I get jealous it's not quirky or adorable and it's annoying , must be doin somethin wrong
What the f*** am I doing fallin in love
--
It feels like I'm not even me during the day
Or maybe just not me at all lately, feels like everything on the outside ain't me and everyone's just an outsider lookin in and when I look back on it later it's like I'm sitting inside myself, looking from a black framed box to my own first person
It's like looking back on daytime ain't right, seeing the light and all from my vision, the blue hue, it feels fake
Night time is where I feel right lately
And I find myself bustin out the bong lately and putting on trippy songs and just feelin myself to it, you can interpret that as you want, whatever you imagine is probably correct
--
In some perfect world, every day is just morning and night, where all the good and bad things happen
I can't remember the last time something happened in the afternoon or dead daytime
Imagine every day being a memory, but that may just drive me crazy
--
I love my Miles so much
he's mine he's mine bbbt all mine
--
covers face
i just love him so much sometimes he gets me more than others its all different feelings sometimes, sometimes he could just touch me and my face will light up and i know it does because it heats up so fast
god sometimes im a right prude and its embarrassing
--
F***in A man, everything ain't back to the way it was but it feels like that
It feels like internally things are progressing back to bad days and I'm back to doing that silent cry where everyone's asleep and you feel it in your throat. The one where you think back to situations and people and think you may never have that connection with them again and they don't care none anymore
They don't care about you and even if you could text them to fix your friendship with them it just wouldn't be as close and it never will be and you've drifted apart and they just don't care about you anymore no matter how hard they try
They ask you if you're okay and leave you on read if you say you're not so you have to tell them you're doing alright and they say the same and it's all downhill from there because you've got no connection with em anymore
I'm not feeling alright but what's new yunno. I don't know what to do.
And I'll think about Miles and I'll think about kissing him like it's some sorta antidote.
Friday, February 16
Y'know how people talk about being jealous and then they pass it off as something quirky and makes them just look adorably obsessed with their s/i? Yeah is that a real thing bc when I get jealous it's not quirky or adorable and it's annoying , must be doin somethin wrong
What the f*** am I doing fallin in love
--
It feels like I'm not even me during the day
Or maybe just not me at all lately, feels like everything on the outside ain't me and everyone's just an outsider lookin in and when I look back on it later it's like I'm sitting inside myself, looking from a black framed box to my own first person
It's like looking back on daytime ain't right, seeing the light and all from my vision, the blue hue, it feels fake
Night time is where I feel right lately
And I find myself bustin out the bong lately and putting on trippy songs and just feelin myself to it, you can interpret that as you want, whatever you imagine is probably correct
--
In some perfect world, every day is just morning and night, where all the good and bad things happen
I can't remember the last time something happened in the afternoon or dead daytime
Imagine every day being a memory, but that may just drive me crazy
--
I love my Miles so much
he's mine he's mine bbbt all mine
--
covers face
i just love him so much sometimes he gets me more than others its all different feelings sometimes, sometimes he could just touch me and my face will light up and i know it does because it heats up so fast
god sometimes im a right prude and its embarrassing
--
F***in A man, everything ain't back to the way it was but it feels like that
It feels like internally things are progressing back to bad days and I'm back to doing that silent cry where everyone's asleep and you feel it in your throat. The one where you think back to situations and people and think you may never have that connection with them again and they don't care none anymore
They don't care about you and even if you could text them to fix your friendship with them it just wouldn't be as close and it never will be and you've drifted apart and they just don't care about you anymore no matter how hard they try
They ask you if you're okay and leave you on read if you say you're not so you have to tell them you're doing alright and they say the same and it's all downhill from there because you've got no connection with em anymore
I'm not feeling alright but what's new yunno. I don't know what to do.
And I'll think about Miles and I'll think about kissing him like it's some sorta antidote.