-James Buchanan Barnes (Bucky): Good guy, protected his friend but encouraged him to make his own choices.

-Winter Soldier: Bad guy, programed to kill, an assasin

-Winter Wolf: Good guy gone bad, I don't know him, we are not one in the same.

-Dr. James B. Barnes: Good guy, helps kids and lives a quiet life.

I am not a killer anymore.
I am not a......

It is a lie, in the end, I will kill again. I can be pushed to fight, to harm, to kill someone who is a threat to others. Here is my struggle, and always has been.

Killing is bad.

I don't want to kill anymore. I do not want to fight. Yet I am dragged into these situations and if someone puts a gun to my face, you bet the Winter Soldier is going to defend his life.

My life has been loss. Loss because I never stood up and fought for what I wanted. I let others walk out because I wanted them to be happy. My happiness was never a priority. That was because I never cared about myself more than I cared about others.

This is a good thing some might thing but it isn't. It is what made me so easy to program. My pain, my hurt, from not having the things I wanted caused me to have a weakened mind. I was so weak because I saved everyone else but never cared to save myself.

Steve saved me from the mind control but then T'challa helped the rest. I miss that man, King so much. He taught me a lot about fighting, about bravery and most importantly..... Being what I want to be. Standing up for what I believe in. He changed my life in ways I can never fully explain.

What turns someone into a bad guy, a villain. Pain, loss, to constantly be disregarded like trash. I am not trash. I am James Buchanan Barnes and I am a sensitive man who loves deeply and hurts deeper. I am always balancing on the tight rope between Good and Bad. That is, unless I learn that you will lose people. People will disappoint you but that doesn't make you any less. I am working on that.

I help out the government at times. I work at the hospital, but sometimes, there are moments that I think about what it would have been like to just be, James Buchanan Barnes. What if, what if I was just my own person, Steve never became Captain America. How differently would my life had been? Just another dead soldier who left no legacy behind.

That is what I struggle with, what am I leaving behind as a legacy. I have the stories, the acknowledgement finally of how I helped in the war efforts. I don't know really what I am rambling on about. I mean I do, just not how to explain it.

There are days I don't want to be seen. I want to grab Steve and run back to the world of smokey bars, Jazz and just being the guys in the crowd. No one looking at my arm, no one looking at his ass. Just two dumb ass guys trying to figure out this world together.

Invisible.

Nothing to see here.

School was hard and I doubled down. I had nothing going on and at the time, that was my way to forget, to focus. I realize that in a lot of ways it was a level of avoidance but it got me through a lot. The psychologist helped me me more grounded and realistic. I am just enjoying everything I do.

I am trying to build quality friendships, like I had with Steve. Something based on something real. Solid relationships that no matter what, even if the other has to leave for a while, that relationship still is just as important when they return.

I made a mistake the other night at some point drinking too much. However, lesson's learned and maybe chaos will create a friendship. Every mistake, every hard time leads to lessons and moments of growth. I want to be more than I ever thought I could be. Everyday my goal is to learn one new thing and forgive myself of my short comings. I have my days that are tough.

Grow.
We will never be fully who we are meant to be. There is always room to grow, learn and be better.

-No sm*t for the sake of it
-No furry, mutliple character accounts or WWE
-Shipping with chemistry
-I prefer single shipping on my main page if I do end up with a ship. However, I multi-ship if there is chemistry with more than one person. Anything forced is a hard no.
-I am not a friend collector nor do I accept people who appear to be a friend collector.
-We all have lives but if you are going to be gone for a few days, a heads up is appreciated. IRL I am very busy, have an active social life and enjoy my time away. I also love writing so that is why I am back here. This is my before my day starts and before bed kind of activity. I may be gone 24-48 hours at a time but I will try to heads up my writing partners.
-Please be kind and respectful, don't rush me.
-People make mistakes when writing, no big deal but PLEASE use proper capital letters and periods, you know, basic. I don't care if you misplace commas and sh*t but not starting a sentence with a capital letter drives me mad, no idea why but it does. Enjoy my run on sentences though.
-This character is a big heart and wants to help people, he genuinely means it. This can cause him to be duped by people. He may be down sometimes when he tries to do good but gets treated poorly.
-If you are mean to my character in character that is fine if it is part of a story and we are going to evolve from that. The writer is soft hearted and doesn't like heavy angry story plots. Drama is fine.
-Leave me the name of a song you recently listened to. This shows that you read to the end.

I don't want to be remembered as Steve's friend. I don't want to be remembered as The Winter Soldier. I want to be remembered as Bucksters or even like, Dr. James B. Barnes. I worked hard on being better. The nightmares do come back on occassion, but overall I am happy. I am in a good place. Despite a few failed relationships. I just want to find the peace in being me.

Oh sure I miss my superhero friends but now I am kind of a superhero to the kids I save. I mean, I just changed my uniform from cool to scrubs right?

Do I miss saving the world, sometimes sure. Do I enjoy making kids smile, yes definitely. I hope that someday I get people to see me as more than a pretty face, just Steve's friend, or worse the Winter Soldier.