Lately time had been filled with an entire sh*tstorm of nothing. What was new? Nothing. What was he up to? Nothing. What was he thinking about? Nothing. What problems was he drinking away now? To be honest, with his head being so empty at this point he couldn't give you an answer. Maybe he didn't have an answer in the first place anyhow... Jerry's hand sloppily fished around in the near empty cardboard box by his side, digging for yet another round of liquid courage; more like stupidity that came in a bottle, but he didn't care. Anything was better than facing being left alone his thoughts...Mannnn, what even--he snapped off the bottle cap using the edge of the coffee table--what even? What even WERE those thoughts anymore? Did he even have them? At all now? He took his first swig, before standing up very clumsily out of nowhere. Oh yeah, his boyfriend had been minding his own business in his bedroom for a while now. Visit time? Visit time. He trudged down the hallway, leaning into the bedroom. "Heyyyy," he started out, looking at Reid with the dumbest grin you could probably spot. He walked right up to him, "Do you mind if I just," and somehow being sure to hold the bottle up in his hand at an angle it wouldn't spill, he fell forward onto him as if he could no longer withstand gravity. "Mmmpgjfhh..." He rolled onto his back, leaning his head up to take another sip all the while still laying right on top of Reid.

The musty feel of Never Leaving The F***ing House polluted the F***ing House until there was nothing left.-- or so, Reid felt. Every home was a suffocated wasteland and every building barley grazed by presence felt so... Empty. You could still go to restaurants. The store. You could even go to parties now if you pleased. But it always felt different. These public areas weren't friendly anymore, no matter how "public" they displayed they were. Covid was still around. He'd never felt so separated from people, while having access to them for as long as he wanted, whenever he wanted, the only rule was to wear a mask.

Reid's wide shoulder blades shifted out of the blanket like two mountains, head dipped down in silent thought and his eyes looking up through his eyebrows. Life just didnt feel the same and he knew it would all start in 2020. Everything was different and would be different for a long, long time. He hypothesized this all in the 10 minutes he'd been awake, maybe he would've come to the idea far before now if he wasn't doing work outs outside at the beginning of covid and having a relationship with the sun. Lately he kinda gave up on that.

He didn't respond to the gay 'heyyyy' and blinked down, picking at his nail. Once Jerry fell on him, his eyes squeezed shut and he groaned a quiet 'oomf'. After he rolled off, Reid ran a hand through his hair to get it out of his face and looked at Jerry for a moment before moving his hand over to flick the bottle, receiving a 'BING' sound he smiled so softly at. "I cant tackle you back," he observed out loud, holding the side of his face tiredly. "Youre holding a drink, youre cheating."

Even if Jerry weren't drunk, that sound would've had him giggling. Of course, his state only amplified the noise and his response became a bit more outward. "Your bigass hands," he smiled, "maybe I'm just too f***ed up but that felt so loud." He quietly took another sip, "You bet your ass. I came in here prepared baby...you can't fight or nothin'!" His head fell backward limply.

His eyes skimmed around before he went to grab the bottle from Jerry and shake it in his face to stun him, quickly he got up and shoved Jerry to the bed, tackling him to where he was on his side and holding the beer bottle in the air. "Silly, silly drunk!" He grinned, "fight me, fight me," he urged as he was so bored and was pretty convinced by his experience with drunk people, if you urged a fight, you were gonna get one.

From the moment Reid shook the bottle right in front of his face, Jerry felt as though he'd entered a wormhole, and before he knew it he was pinned and "fight me" seemed to echo in his ears. And Reid was absolutely right--as those were the only words surrounding him in the moment, he'd do exactly that as soon as he registered it. He darted an arm free, and he gripped the chest of Reid's shirt harshly, then rocking himself sideways with all of his strength. Whether he intentionally rolled them off the side of the bed was up for debate, but either way, it was anything but graceful. He fell halfway onto Reid's entire torso, a thud sounding off around him, again probably louder to him than it actually was. As soon as they were on the floor, he clambered toward the bottle in Reid's hand, which of course had flung and spilled everywhere in the process, and was now wrestling him for it.

Reid pushed at Jerry to again pin him, this time scrambling to pin him on his chest and hold his arm back, not at all enough to bring any pain. "Say..." He smacked his lips in thought and looked around the room. "Not uncle, thats too easy..." He mumbled, casually just hovering above Jerry. "Say.." He thought, now losing much grip on Jerrys arm at all with how hard he was thinking.

"I WON'T F***IN' SAY NOTHIN'! WHATEVER IT MAy be," Jerry shouted out of nowhere, fading out as he simply went limp, head plopped against the floor. "God, wrestling you's like-liKE fightin' a damn BEAR!" He laughed, his eyes moving around aimlessly and lazily afterward. He gave a loud sigh through his nose, the sigh dying down into a drunken groan. "Hngngmmph.....what a compromising position I'm in huh? You always-you love to do this to me, oh how I wonder why," he smiled.

"Because I love you." AKA he wanted to top AKA because it felt more giving than bottoming AKA giving more love to Jerry. Reid frowned when he limped. Sitting on his lower back, he let his arm go and rested his elbow on his own knee. Staring for a bit, he got down himself next to Jerry to be eye level, resting his chin on his arms. "Why are you drunk." He asked, less as a question and more from irritation. There was nothing going on, so there was no reason to be drunk.

After Reid had given his response, Jerry's eyes shut softly, and he grinned contentedly. After Reid finally got off of him, he tucked his left arm under his head, resting on it. His eyes stayed shut for the while, until he heard the dreaded question. He opened his eyes slowly, and he sighed again, "I don't know..." He reached a hand over to fumble with strands of Reid's hair, going quiet. "I'm sorry... I always f***ing-always, f***ing, show up on you like this outof...f***in nowhere, I'm sorry..." He almost looked guilty.

Reid wasnt one to really scold people. Never, not even when he was a leader and on the streets. He never knew what to say. He kind of hated it when people were guilty or sorry towards him. Hed rather them leave his life than be like that! Gladly this wasnt their whole relationship and Reid was more than willing to work through it. "It's okay..." He sat up and leaned against the side of the bed, patting in between his legs for Jerry to come over. "It looks like a problem Jerry."

After Reid patted the ground, Jerry rolled onto his back, and he scooted himself backwards to lay his head on Reid's leg. He just looked up at him for a short while, before speaking up. "...How are you so patient with me?"

"Because you're patient with me." He didnt expect himself to actually have a straight answer, it kinda just slipped. Reid always just needed someone to be patient with him, thats all he needed, and sh*t, maybe thats the biggest thing they had in common. Helping him up, he slipped his arms around his waist and hugged him closer. "This sickness hasnt been kind to you," he sighed out, preferring to call it what it was in stead of just "Covid" if that made it any easier to talk about. People talked about it, but it was never much. It felt like people were avoiding actual conversation over it. He grabbed the bottle from where he placed it aside when on top of Jerry and handed it back as it only had a sip or two in it and he wasnt gonna deny him it, understanding at least slightly how being addicted was. "You wanna do something?" He asked out of nowhere, pushing hair out of Jerrys face. "This week? Go on a trip to a beach? Something outside of this sh*t?"

Jerry just seemed to go along with everything Reid did, letting him sit him up and pull him in close, and taking the bottle after it was handed to him. Being slightly unaware of his actions, he didn't realize he'd just been sort of staring right at Reid the whole time. His eyebrows furrowed upward, before he leaned in to peck Reid's cheek. "You're so f***in'...good to me...You're so good to me I don't - I don't deserve you, sh*t..." He let his head hang for a moment. "Yeah I-I've gotta get outta here I'd love that, with you. I'd really like that yeah..." His head shifted toward the bottle. "Mph." After another quiet moment, he reached out and poured the rest onto the floor, tossing the bottle in a random direction. "I'm done for tonight..." He looked up, and turned his head back to Reid. "Thank you for being here..." He shoved his head into the crook of Reid's neck, and he shut his eyes. "I can't f***ing imagine what I'd do without you..." He muttered.

Reid put one arm around Jerrys shoulders and raised his opposing hand to gently run his fingers through his hairline next to his ear and to his scalp, giving a ton of tiny kisses in a row to his forehead. "I love you I love you I love you, and when we're all older and uglier, I'll still love you forever, when your breath permanently smells like alcohol, I'll still kiss you even then," he joked, then kissing his lips and cuddling him even closer, kissing the side of his nose and then under his eye, giving full kisses all over his face rather than the usual little pecks. "I love you so much and I love not knowing what to do /with/ you." He smiled and kissed his lips again. "Just in general not knowing what to do.." He mumbled, looking at the floor for a moment. "I love being so familiar with you. I love knowing who you are and knowing thats that. Some people really look for people with many layers and twists and turns but I like you, 'cus youre so you. I love you and I'll always love you from here to eternity." Reid gave yet another kiss to his face. "I dont know anything...but I know you and I love that."

As it would usually turn out, Jerry had a much harder time keeping himself from getting flustered when he was drunk. Quite quickly, a soft red tint rose to his face, and with a small grin he tucked back into Reid's neck, lazily kissing at it while he was there. "F***ing...f***in' f*** Reid," he chuckled, one of his hands unconsciously tracing around the top of his chest and collarbones. "I love knowing you too...You're so certain when-when everything... isn't...and you're so much better with words than I am, Jesus Christ..." The hand tracing itself around his chest eventually just swung itself over Reid's shoulder; in a way, Jerry was essentially just clinging to him at this point. "I love you so f***ing much...Ilove you don't you ever f***ingforget it..." His words were somewhat muffled.

Reid was so ready to smash, it was unbelievable how ready he was to just bag him, but the major turn off was that he was drunk. He couldnt smash anyone drunk, especially not Jerry. It was wrong. He slipped his hand up the back of Jerrys shirt and rubbed his back up to his shoulders for a bit before getting up and sitting Jerry at the edge of the bed, taking off his jacket for him and throwing it at some chair nearby. "Lets go to bed," he said, grabbing the sides of Jerrys face to tilt his head up and give him many kisses to his lips.

Jerry chuckled to himself, "Like that Cure song...doot dododo doot dootoooo..." He let himself fall sideways onto the bed, swinging his legs up and shoving himself into the pillow. "Man I don't even...I don'teven really like The Cure..." Abruptly, he then rolled onto his back, looking over at Reid with a grin. "Yknow what I do like, though?" He patted the bed beside him, and threw an arm over his eyes, "You! Get on over here! Get on down here..."

Man. I've gotta learn to just let myself feel. It's so f***in hard.
I'm so freaked out lately man, I don't know what's gotten into me. Well...that's a half lie, I've been like this for a while but it's just gettin' harder to deal with. I really do need to learn to just let myself feel things man, easier said than done but ya know... I've just gotta quit thinkin I'm not allowed to feel certain things. I'm not irrational, and even if I am, god dammit I have the right to be... F*** I almost died and I feel bad for still bein' freaked out about it! I'm the one who experienced it man, why do I feel guilty about still feeling it ? Hell if I know.
It's crazy how delusion works. You know whatever notion you've got in mind's not true and yet it's so very real. I can't explain it but damn I hate it lol. I lose sleep over the tiniest things, I'm such a wreck but I can't help it. Life happens too f***ing quick... No, you know what, that ain't the problem. It moves normally, but nothing gives me any warning. Isn't it f***ing incredible how everything happens so suddenly? It's not like I'm the only one to discover this, it's nothin new. What's confusing about it is how the hell people aren't sh*tting themselves over it 24/7, that's the drawer I fall into. And in this drawer I drink n drink n drink to forgetttttt ~ . And that doesn't help the guilt much, does it?
God. I'm so paranoid all the time. Sometimes I don't even know what's goin on around me. And I've got everything I need...I'm somehow doing exactly what I've always dreamt of doing, I'm definitely not alone either. I'm all hooked up man, I'm set! What am I so worried about ? What am I losin sleep over, what am I even talking about ?? ... I guess I've got so much to lose. Things fall apart in a heartbeat, you never see it coming. I'm having a lotta trouble living comfortably with that fact...

I don’t know how else to start this other than just saying I’ve been thinking about how lucky I am, just to get to the f***in’ point. As with near everything else I’m definitely overthinking, but I thought this’d be interesting to look back on and whatnot…And I thought of writing this while I was in that weird sleep-wake state, who knows if there’s any actual point in f***in writing this! Pfpf. In short—existence has been f***in’ weird lately, if you couldn’t tell! Haha. Man…I guess I’ve just been thinking about how nice it is that I’m essentially stuck with these two. Some people are all locked inside alone, but for some reason I’ve got the privilege of bein’ trapped with my two favorite people basically, lol. I don’t know, just feels unfair. Don’t know why fate decided I deserve it of all people, meanwhile Sean and Mike numero uno y dos are all cooped up with nothing else to do but shoot their loads into the ceiling. I’ve been trying to check up on ‘em, I oughta check in again later today… I don’t know, even though in the end us three haven’t got much left to do either, I really just can’t shake the thought of how lucky I am man… Jesus f***ing Christ if I were by myself I’d be losing my mind. Bein’ an alcoholic don’t help much either do it?! LOL. While I can say not being able to go out leaves Layne and I more space to indulge, at the same time it’s got me keeping more of an eye on him, and I feel the same probably goes the other way around… Not to mention the fact I doubt either of us want Reid stuck in a crackhouse, haha. I guess we’ve got a third little crazy eye on both of us, especially me… Maybe I shouldn’t roll over in my head about how much I don’t deserve this, cause when it comes down to it, those two sure as hell f***in’ do. Again, little eyes all on each other I think… Layne’s been coming outta his room more I’m noticing, that’s real nice. I don’t even think he notices, I know it’s pure boredom and I’m just the last option of torture to get him out of it! Haha. Whatever it takes y’know. And of course I love seeing him and Reid get along too… It’s cute, even though I swear I barely hear any words from em. It’s like there’s 5 cats in this house instead of 3, lol. Those two felines on ugly little human legs for sure deserve all the company… To be honest I don’t wanna think about how Reid would be doing if he were trapped in that depressing ass apartment by himself, even without all this he’s mentioned how uneasy it’s got him… I’m very grateful I’ve nabbed him.
Oh world how you turn my brain over and over like the little hunk of meat it is! Pff.

I honestly don’t know how to start this without it being the corniest thing on the planet, haha. I’m not too...uh. I’m not great in that regard. Unless it comes to depressing sh*t I don’t think I’m exactly top-tier in the “amazing with words” department. I’m not clever or romantic in any sense, so uh. Needless to say this will definitely all be very clunky and cheesy! Haha. With that being said, I never forget how in love I am with Reid, I couldn’t. But uh...There’s been a lot of “moments” that I’d say kind of reminded me of it, in a sense. Sh*t that made it really set in...maybe not even that it made anything set in, but just...super f***in notable times in my head. They’re all just real special to me. Not gonna lie man some of them are kind of...If I said it out loud it’d probably be a bit dumb, haha. You’d wonder why they’re even special to me at all but...Well I’ll just let the rest speak for itself, lol. This is in no particular order, or in any timeline for that matter, they’ll just come as I remember. Maybe I’ll even miss a few, who knows. I kind of hope to build onto this over time…

> The fact that /this/ is the first thing that comes to mind might say a lot about me, haha. Whenever I think of notable or special times I’ve had with Reid, honestly this pops into my head right away. To cut to the chase--we f***ed by a lake in mid-day sunlight. (This is what I f***in meant by some of them being stupid, Jesus Christ. Lolol.) The pure fact we did that isn’t necessarily what’s special I don’t think, but rather how it made me feel. We hadn’t been together for /too/ long, but we’d known each other long enough I’d say. It was...during summer, I think. I don’t exactly remember if we did this before or after I took him along on tour with me, but something gives me the feeling it was before. Over time Reid’s become exponentially more comfortable with me--of course, it’d be alarming if he wasn’t by now--emotion-wise, anyhow. It’s part of the reason why we took so long to even get together despite all the sex we were already having and how, frankly, painfully obvious our growing attachment was. But when I remember this, it honestly just reminds me of one of the first times he was so open with me...When it comes to intimacy, anyhow, no doubt there was already a sh*t ton he’d vented to me beforehand. I won’t go into too much detail, not lookin’ to make anyone puke, but I don’t think we’d had any sex up to that point as...well, as sentimental as that was. “WE’VE GOT A DIRTY VANILLA OVER HERE!” I know, I know, my stomach is curling too! Haha. I remember the day I suggested we f*** in the sunlight. It honestly just started as any other overly horny request, I thought it would flatter his body and whatnot. But you know...I guess...It was one of the first times Reid directly told me, essentially, that I could do whatever I wanted and he would comply, and during it he didn’t fall short. I’d never seen him so soft before...And anyone would know that’s definitely a lot to come from him, haha. Just looking at him in that lighting was so perfect...I could see every muscle moving and hear every breath so clearly...Clinging to each other in that moment was f***in’ heaven man. I hate to feel like I’m makin’ you read out a p0rno or somethin’, but I’m serious man! I just have to say it was so beautiful to me, and he’s so beautiful to me...Even a day later when he wasn’t right there with me, I just couldn’t believe it for some reason. I swear I’m not speaking to you through a boner, haha. I couldn’t believe it so hard ("hard," completely unintentional,) I even had to tell Layne about it dude, Jesus Christ. I have to admit that I uh....I don’t know, when I was finished blabbin’ on about it to him, I told Layne right then and there how f***in’...In love I am man. I’m so in love...

> This one might be a bit of a 360 from the topic of outdoor sex. Or even sex in general, I almost wish this was about it. This is kind of a difficult thing to remember, but at the same time...It’s a very sweet memory. (We might cry remembering this in detail, let’s f***in’ go baby!) This happened way before the first thing. I don’t even think we were officially dating yet...Maybe I knew him for about two months, Christ maybe even less...But...Man do I even remember this too clearly? I’m not too sure what alarmed me in the first place, or if I even messaged first, but it ended with Reid telling me to find him right away. The only location he really gave me were the docks, which was already concerning enough, given his distress...I sped down to those docks so quickly. I’m so glad it didn’t take too long to find him after I rushed out of my car. My heart sank when I saw him; he was trapped under a fishing net, right at the edge of the f***in’ dock, and to this day I don’t exactly know why. I helped him out and I just remember him urging me down to the floor with him, he was tugging my arm like a needy kid...And he just threw his arms around me and told me word for word, that “he didn’t do anything drastic ‘cause of me.” I hadn’t even known him for very long, and he was tellin’ me that...I know he was telling the truth, but it just amazes me that of all things, the thought of me is what kept him from doing anything to himself...I’m pretty sure it goes without saying it hit like a ton of f***in’ bricks. Every once in a while I remember that line and I just can’t really help but get a bit emotional...It was a weird thing to hear. I don’t feel like I’m much help to...anyone, really. So that was...impossible, almost. And it just meant so much to me, cause even at that time I felt like I’d found someone so special, and for him to return the feeling tenfold was...well, is, just...I don’t know how to comprehend it. We stood and he nearly left but...I caught up to him and he just cried in my arms...He was already trying to hide it a bit, I could tell, but the fact I meant enough too for him to just let it there was really...special. I also still remember how it felt when he clung to my arm all the way back to the car...And how he held my hand the whole drive back...Even then he was so sweet, God. Oh, I remember now! That was the day I first went to his apartment, now I’ve got a time frame in my head. Wow that really wasn’t too far into meeting him...Somethin’ as big as that happening so quickly told me he was gonna be so important to me…

> Here’s another 360 for ya! Haha. Back to moments that shouldn’t even be special, honestly, pfpf. I know I said this about the sunlight thing, but this one is truly what I meant when I said some of them’ll be kind of stupid. This one’s so stupid I won’t even spend too much time on it, haha. In summary-- Reid really, really wanted a picture of my pickle, I was hesitant but I let him take it, and he deleted it later cause I was hesitant. It’s funny but I swear it just made me real happy! Pfpf. I would’ve let him keep it, I didn’t care that much, but I don’t know. Even though he urged me so much for it, he still got rid of it after seeing my reluctance...There’s a lot of little moments like that, where he’ll go out of his way to do something just cause he sees I’m uncomfortable or that it might benefit me or somethin’. I don’t have to tell you he doesn’t take sh*t, haha. But even then he’s just so f***in’ considerate man. I don’t know. I don’t think he expected it (I wouldn’t have either), but when he told me I just got so lovey toward him, and not in a soft way. I started prodding at him n all--I started calling him cute a bunch and I just turned him into a blushing mess. Which isn’t easy to do! He got real embarrassed about it but there’s certain times where he silently hints about actually liking something...However much he may hint at secretly enjoyin’ something, though, that still don’t mean he’s not embarrassed about it, so I try to give him a break. He does a real good job at shutting me up too, haha. He turned this one on me real f***in’ quick as you could imagine...
That sort of went off on a tangent. I don’t know, this is a real small thing that happened but it just pops up in my head real often...and it makes me real happy when it does.

> Here it might be safe to say the same thing happened twice; both separate occasions hit me a little different, but nonetheless I’ll still tie ‘em into one. The first time was on a night I already think back to as a whole, let alone the time alone on his living room floor. ...You know what, I’ll sorta take that back, both times this happened it ended off a day/night that was already pretty eventful. Either way, this first night was very very fun. I remember it nothing but fondly! I drove to his apartment, and our goal was to walk to a Wal-Mart down the street, buy a cake to eat together back at his place. On our way there he scared the sh*t out of me, bastard started bolting down the street to “race” me and went off through a shortcut I didn’t know about, watched me make myself a whole f***in’ idiot while I mindlessly waited for him in the front of that f***in’ store! Haha. Eventually he came round the corner and bolted inside...We’re lucky we didn’t get kicked out! To spare unneeded details we bought the damn thing and went back to his apartment, once we got there he set everything down and laid out some blankets on the floor. It was real cozy! How cozy everything was might’ve made the whole /point/ of this memory even more delightful. I don’t know how we got onto the topic, but somehow we ended up just holdin’ each other on that floor...I don’t even know who said it first, it might’ve been me, but uh...we talked for a moment about how if, y’know, things don’t go right for some reason and we don’t see each other, how I’ll always keep him in my heart...I’ll still love him no matter what, and he delivered the same sentiment back to me. We didn’t stay on the topic for very long, but it really hit that night...That kind of thing always sticks with me...Well, the second time it was brought up, we definitely stayed on the idea for longer, so that might’ve been why the reaction was stronger. Again, it followed a pretty eventful time. (I’m starting to wonder what f***in’ doesn’t with us though, haha.) For some reason that day we were over the moon excited to see each other. Well, I know I was--I damn near attacked him when he came through that door! He arrived pretty quick though, so I like to think he was just as riled up...We went to the front yard for a bit, and the rain started comin’ down super hard, and again we ended up chasin’ each other. All the way to the park down the street from my place. When I found him I brought him back near immediately though, he was super cold and pale from being in the rain--I should probably mention somehow his shirt came off during all this. We were full of mud, so I brought him in for a warm shower with me; I thought it’d be a treat, since he was so freezing and grumpy. (I love seein’ how comforted he is with me when we shower together, especially with his fear of it n all. That’s a whole new f***in’ topic for later.) We got out, diddled each other a bit, got dressed and snuggled up together in my bed...Just now I’m realizing how cozy both of these times were. Maybe cozy settings get me in a sappy mood...But again, we were just as close to each other as the first time. I told him I’d love him forever again, but I guess I decided to talk in more detail this time around...I think I basically said he was incredibly special to me, and not only will I love him forever, but I’ll remember him forever...He’ll always be in my mind no matter what, and I know it for a f***in’ fact...And man...When I told him, he just...Y’know I’ve never seen more tears fall out of his eyes. I didn’t expect what I said to tug at him so f***in’ harshly...It was hard not to cry myself hearing what a wreck I’d turned him into...That really did mean so much to me. I can’t believe what I said means so much to him...He is pretty...ethereal, haha. So...y’know. I should’ve expected it, I /did/ pretty much tell him not even time would let me forget him...He’s in my heart and my soul forever, and I really really f***in’ mean it. ..

> This is another real small but real special thing to me, and this one I know for sure is super special to Reid too. I also don’t know how to casually lead into it, haha. He got me a collar, to put it plainly. For the longest time he’s always worn them for me, whether it be sexual or not it’s been a thing ever since that rainbow one he got on a whim and tried on in front of me. He wanted to get me one and I’d be lyin’ if I didn’t say I was kind of hesitant...I don’t know why I was, y’know I’d like to think I’m not too fragile about things like that? Or at least I don’t want to be, everything leadin’ up to this point has kind of pointed at otherwise. But you know...when he gave it to me he ended up telling me his real overall reason, and it’s just stuck with me...To phrase it nearly the exact way he did, he’s not trying to call me his bitch or anything, but that thing I guess kind of represents his care for me, or how I’m his in a way...He wants me to feel safe and cared for around him...He supports me more than I could ever ask for, Jesus Christ. In giving me that collar he wanted me to think of him when I hold it, or even wear it or keep it around...I’ll be honest, I don’t put it on very often. Sometimes I will when we’re feelin’ a certain way, you know that kind of thing I don’t have to explain any further. I can’t remember much any other time, and definitely it hasn’t been around anyone else...I don’t even think anyone knows I own it. But I still love that thing to death...when Reid’s not around I kind of...more often than not I’ll slip it offa my messy nightstand and I’ll just kind of hold it, especially when I miss him a lot...and especially when I’m not feeling too great, which is something he very much so wanted me to do, and I know for a fact he’d be very happy if he knew...I’ll look it over and whatnot...I’ve fallen asleep with it before, just kind of there. I don’t know...if he wanted me to feel safe with it then he’s damn well succeeding, haha.

> Coming to think of it, this is kind of a fitting one to put right after essentially talkin’ about him comforting me, cause someone could say this is the reverse. Or not even “someone could say,” it /is/ that. Honestly, uh...really really thinking about it, this one might be up there with what pops into my head the most, I remember it so often. And I remember it so f***in’ clearly too...It’s one of the sweetest f***in’ memories in my damn head. I get so damn...mushy when I think about it, god Reid’s so sweet. I’d say this happened around...oh sh*t, okay, yeah. This is the same evening I told him he could come along on tour with us for the summer. I think I already mentioned earlier that his fear of showering and baths was a whole other topic, well I guess here I’m gonna talk about it now. I’m not sure how it even came to the agreement that he’d let me give him a bath, but it happened. And at first it was full of f***ery, he got in the damn tub by throwing himself in pretty f***in’ much, haha. But y’know...it was sorta over as quick as it started. Once he settled he just kind laid his head on his arm over the side of the tub, and I was washing his hair...It started to grow kinda silent. His mullet was just starting to grow pretty long at the time, so I complimented it and whatnot, tried to clear the dark cloud that I guess...I felt starting to form. While I watched him it was hard not to notice his eyes losing more and more focus...and his ribcage started to expand wider and at a faster rate...I don’t know how I managed to keep calm while witnessing this, I never know how I manage it. It’s like I go full f***in’ autopilot and I just suddenly know what to do, without even knowing what to do. I always do consciously try to be gentle and calm with him, and not hit him with too many words, but at the same time it’s almost like I don’t have to make a conscious effort, by body and hands just sort of...do their thing, I guess. I’m so f***in’ grateful for it...I don’t know how I do it but I’m so glad a lot I do seems to bring him comfort, it’s honestly so flattering...and so reassuring and as comforting to me as it is to him. Seeing him start to kind of...lose touch I just kind of…I don’t know, I eased my touch on his head, tried to wash all gentle...I’ll never forget his shaky hand reaching out for one of mine and just holding it near his face, he was so fragile...And he pointed out how gentle I was being through a few mumbled words...And I started to kind of...pet him I guess, and I told him I was bein’ gentle ‘cause I love him...And I asked him if it felt nice. That’s all I said to him...and feeling him ease in my hands was the best f***in’ feeling in the world, it was so relieving and sweet...and pretty. His hands and his body lost all the f***in’ tension they had, feeling it was so f***in’ wonderful I can’t even begin to describe it...Calming him is honestly so beautiful to witness and feel...He just pulled me closer and told me he’s in love with me, which he says pretty often but the specific phrase always makes me feel so f***in’ delightful…He’s my beautiful boy, I’m so in love with him too.

> So this last one is pretty recent. Maybe about...Honestly it was probably only a few weeks ago. I wanna start by saying two things; the first being that I’m pretty sure this was what made me wanna gather these moments in the first place. The second leads into the rest--generally I’m not surprised by anything Reid does anymore. That’s not to say I see anything coming, though. Even though I’ve known him for pretty long already, when I got this text for some reason it got my heart pounding into the f***in’ sun, and it wasn’t necessarily in a lovey way this time. Somethin’ about the first time I read over it...I didn’t know what the f*** I felt. I felt...something. I don’t know what. I just know my chest felt like it was about to implode. I’ll let parts of the texts speak for itself actually, I could just check our messages right now. There’s no way I can explain what he told me better than just writing some of it out.
“I think you’re a serious angel that’s been conditioned by earth because you’ve been here for so long but I know your home is heaven, and if you got in touch with your angel spirit, youd remember the ethereal everything and little moments and snippings of memory no one else can understand because we aren’t angels but you are. I want you to know everything belongs to you, your thoughts and experiences and feelings...not to your body but to you and dont let anyone think they own what happened to you or what will.”
Again I really didn’t know what to f***in’ think when he told me this out of absolutely f***in’ nowhere...I’m not sure I was even able to think man! In a way that is what I responded with, haha. I told him he’s just unreal...I couldn’t f***ing believe what he was telling me. And I know he truly believes it...God he’s so f***ing unreal. If what he’s feeling is true then he was definitely the entity who was supposed to tell me, pfpf. I’ll be honest...I know he’s generally got some...strange delusions going on up there, but really, who the f*** am I to say he’s wrong? I definitely have no authority over that. Really I have no right to dismiss him...It’s probably obvious this makes me feel so strange, haha. But I know I hear him...Who’s to say some weird sh*t isn’t going on and he has some f***in’ ability to feel this kind of thing you know? Who’s to f***in’ say...It’s definitely not me, that’s for damn sure.
He’s so god damn nice to me too. He responded so sweetly. It’s hard to pinpoint anything in his response, cause honestly the whole f***in’ thing is important to note..
“--when I think about you from everything I think of red, brown, dirt, sunshine, sh*t like that, but when I actually think a little deeper I think of blue...dreamy muddled everything.. so far away from home! You’re everything pure, it doesn’t matter how much sin you know, when I think about your soul you’re such an innocent little boy.” “--When I kiss you sometimes it feels like I’m kissing something so new… life on earth isnt as long as we think… you’re so new, I’m in love with you, so fresh and cold, so soft and barely experienced, I’m in love with you!”
Frankly that whole f***in’ thing killed me... Turned that running and spinning in my chest to the butterflies right away. He’s always got such nice things to say to me...I don’t f***in’ deserve it man, christ. He’s always got such a way of saying it too. I might’ve said this already but I may be a lyricist and all, but I wish I could speak that way. I only write out that kinda sh*t cause I’ve got time to f***in’ think y’know? And he can just spill these words out to me on the spot...It makes me feel so warm and so loved. And in the context of what he was trying to get through to me, good f***in’ god I felt like I was dreaming...I was floating so f***in’ softly and he was carrying me along...It didn’t feel real, that night couldn’t have been real. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a cry before I went to bed...That was so unreal and so special. I can’t even explain it.
There’s another sort of small thing he said during all this that stuck with me in particular, something about being so in love with me that his heart burns like mint...Even thinking about that line now I can feel the insides of my chest turn to f***ing peppermint or something. It was a weird comparison to make but I understood him immediately, reading that in the moment was especially...I don’t know, I guess mesmerizing in a way. That’s probably the best way I’ll phrase it...Reid’s got such a way with words, especially when he’s expressing how he feels about me...I’ll never get a better high than what this boy does to me. ♡

I hope there's plenty more to add from here on. With what a treasure he is I'm sure there will be...♡♡

12/17/20
I wanted to start off by saying, "wow, this is crazy to look back at a whole year later," but I gotta be honest with ya, didn't read it before I started writin. Whatever though, I know what it says. So...wow, this is crazy to look back at a whole year later. It's hard to believe we're still goin strong to be honest with you... Mostly because of me, I can't even lie, haha. I don't imagine it's easy to stick with me for this long. But uh...I'm pretty sure past me would be glad to know I do have plenty to add. I'll just cut to the one on my mind in the moment though...

> It's almost the end of 2020 and I'm finding myself just sort of...sat in awe, I guess. I already said it's a f***in' miracle I've found someone who's stuck around me for this long, even though... 2 years, right? (something like that) might not sound like THAT long to some. It's a blessing anyone stands me for five minutes, honestly. Pfpf. I'm just so glad he's still here, and I've been able to watch him progress in that time too... I keep thinking to when he told me he wanted to finally get help about a month ago. It's not like I'm the one who finally decided to bug up here and do something about my issues, sure, but just hearing him say it turned my world around... I guess it just means a lot to me to witness somebody, at least so far, push successfully to get better. Especially someone I love so much... It's just beautiful to see, I can't put it any better than that. I love being alongside him as time goes on and things get better for him, and I sure hope if things start turnin around for me he's right there with me too... I don't have a novel to say about this one like the others HA. But trust me it's just as special, if not the most special... I just love watching my flower grow. Like a...a f***ing rose or somethin. Big and red with spikes all over!! Think that captures him well.

Falling asleep with Reid is one of the best f***in' things on this earth to me man. I love holding him and bein' so close to him and all. I guess the idea he trusts me enough to fall asleep in my grasp just blows my mind. Some time the other night, he fell asleep on top of me in the middle of watching a movie together in the living room; piles of pillows and blankets everywhere, you get the picture. I was givin' his head a scratch and what have you...I watched him fall asleep in the middle of my petting him. It was so sweet. Looking at it all was just so sweet...He loves me enough to just knock out right there, right on top of me, y'know? I don't know, it's just real assuring, I guess. ❤