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Man. I've gotta learn to just let myself feel. It's so f***in hard.
I'm so freaked out lately man, I don't know what's gotten into me. Well...that's a half lie, I've been like this for a while but it's just gettin' harder to deal with. I really do need to learn to just let myself feel things man, easier said than done but ya know... I've just gotta quit thinkin I'm not allowed to feel certain things. I'm not irrational, and even if I am, god dammit I have the right to be... F*** I almost died and I feel bad for still bein' freaked out about it! I'm the one who experienced it man, why do I feel guilty about still feeling it ? Hell if I know.
It's crazy how delusion works. You know whatever notion you've got in mind's not true and yet it's so very real. I can't explain it but damn I hate it lol. I lose sleep over the tiniest things, I'm such a wreck but I can't help it. Life happens too f***ing quick... No, you know what, that ain't the problem. It moves normally, but nothing gives me any warning. Isn't it f***ing incredible how everything happens so suddenly? It's not like I'm the only one to discover this, it's nothin new. What's confusing about it is how the hell people aren't sh*tting themselves over it 24/7, that's the drawer I fall into. And in this drawer I drink n drink n drink to forgetttttt ~ . And that doesn't help the guilt much, does it?
God. I'm so paranoid all the time. Sometimes I don't even know what's goin on around me. And I've got everything I need...I'm somehow doing exactly what I've always dreamt of doing, I'm definitely not alone either. I'm all hooked up man, I'm set! What am I so worried about ? What am I losin sleep over, what am I even talking about ?? ... I guess I've got so much to lose. Things fall apart in a heartbeat, you never see it coming. I'm having a lotta trouble living comfortably with that fact...