intimacy, and finding who you are. (solo) (mild sp

Astarion never understood what love was, what intimacy was. What it all even meant, to him - Love was the pain Cazador instilled in him, intimacy was the blade to skin, the beating, the yelling. The praise he'd get with every victim he'd lure. To him, for a while at least - Tav was his victim. He wanted to manipulate, to lie - to keep them close, to protect himself. It was nothing more than that. And only that.

But this newfound feeling, this anxiety inducing, admittedly scary feeling he got for this traveller, it was different. He didn't exactly know how he should react or even act. It had thrown him in a loop, so to speak. How was he supposed to approach the situation? Should he charm his way in? No, that felt way too wrong, way too tainted for him to do.

He sat on the edge of a dock overlooking the sea, waves crashing against the shore - the distant sound was soothing, yet his mind continued to run amok. He couldn't quell his anxieties about this feeling. He's never genuinely felt it before, and it bothered him. His mind is screaming at him to either get rid of the cause, or to run away.

For once, he chose to stay put. To sit with it. No distractions, just him, himself and the ocean. Whether or not he'll confront Tav about his feelings, he was unsure. But for now, he basked in it, even if it hurt in some way. He didn't have to know what to do, not yet. For once, he wasn't rushed.