Journal~ 6/15/21

I have a hard time trying to understand or believe that you ever actually loved me or cared about me but it’s whatever. You’re working on trying to move on and I know I need to do the same. Only difference is-is that I can’t because I actually did love you. I wanted to be with you and I wanted things to work. But to you, I was always just temporary. I was something different that you wanted to try out for the time being. I blame myself for being in love with you even though I know the feelings aren’t mutual. I blame myself for believing that I was actually the person you wanted to grow old with. I blame myself for thinking about our future and what I wanted our life to be like. I blame myself for getting attached to you when I knew I shouldn’t have. I blame myself for not being the one that got away even when you gave me so many f***ing reasons to leave you. Even after lying to me, I still don’t want anyone but you. But the more I type, the more I realize that I’m struggling to understand if I really hate myself or if I just really f***ing hate you.