Journal~ 6/1/21

I think the thing that bothers me the most is that we never got the chance to experience what it was like to have the “traditional” relationship with each other. I don’t know what it feels like to kiss you. I don’t know what feels like to run my fingers through your hair when you’re rambling on about something. I don’t know how it feels to make jokes with you while seeing you smile and hearing your laughter. I don’t know how it feels for you to show me off to your family and friends, and see how proud you were to have me by your side. I wanted to know though. I wanted to know how to felt to see the disappointment in your eyes after I’ve done something or said something that bothered you. I wanted to know how it felt to hear and see you say that you loved me and will always love me like you promised. I wanted to know how it would feel to lay in bed next to you and hear you breathe while holding me tightly against you. I wanted to know what it felt like for you to f*** me endlessly until I couldn’t walk or how i trembled against you from how intense my climax was; or the face and moan you’d make when you came inside of me while my walls clenched tightly around you. I wanted to know what that was like with you. But now i’m stuck with thoughts of what should have been and nothing else.