My Mental State

This isn't me in character. This is completely out of character.

A few of you may have noticed I've seemed out of sorts for a while. And you're not wrong. My mental state has been at an all time low for the first time since 2002. With the passing of my grandmother this past September, one of the only two people IRL who I just felt...would always be there, as weird as that sounds, I just...I didn't know what to feel. It took a month for it to really sink in when I would routinely wake up and....she wasn't there. I wouldn't wake up to her walker squeaking as she walked, or trying to get it through the narrow hallway leading to my bedroom, or hear her getting into things, inspecting, due to her late game dementia. The house was quiet, and I didn't like it. 

My mental state was so bad I legitimately was a foot away, literally, from walking off a stool and hanging myself, thinking I wasn't worth anything anymore, what was the point in being around? Selfish as sh*t, I know, but it's how I felt. Little do they know, my friends in real life saved me by just pulling into my driveway, oblivious to what almost went down in my house. I've...truly never fully recoverd from that low mental state though.

In my mind, and I know a lot of you will disagree, in my mind, my writing is sh*t. I'm not worth anyone's time. i'm sh*t. Why should anyone bother? The world would be better off if I wasn't here. That's where I'm at right now. i've been fighting it off and on since September, and really been at a war with it for the past month. I'm not going to do anything stupid, I'm over that. I'm trying. I really am. But I think it's time I get away.

Writing, roleplaying, it was all an escape for me. Away from all the bullsh*t in my life. To just, emerse myself in the world of Menaki Haragi, whichever version that may be and just escape this real world bullsh*t. But now, that's just becoming more of a chore to WILL myself to step out of the darkness in my head and become Menaki. 

So I think it's time Menaki took a break. It's time Menaki vanished for a while and I focus on me. Getting myself right mentally before I tackle this again. 

For those I owe things to, they will come, in time. I do apologize now, in advance for the enormous wait that it may take, but I can't, in good faith, put something out for the sake of putting it out. I'm a writer at heart, I need to put a part of me into my writings, be it on paper, or in a role-play.

So with that, at least for now....this is goodbye.

So long, farewell, fair winds, Live Long and Prosper, May the Force be with you, May the Power protect you, and all that jazz. I'll see y'all down the road

​​​​​​​~Chris aka Menaki Haragi