⠄⠄⠄ take me or leave me

tw: implied abuse and suicide attempts, codependent behavior, mentions of murder, and cannibalism.
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﹙ journal. ﹚

entry - june 13th, 2019

spent my birthday at the hospital this year. now my mom thinks i should go back to therapy. i don't want to...

entry - june 17th, 2019

missing soobin-hyung.. talking to him makes things a little easier.

entry - august 24th, 2020

i love you, hao. i love you, hao. i love you, hao. saying those four words is enough to cure all my nasty thoughts, and for a while, i feel like a saint. my organs function properly, and when i breathe, there's no guilty. because i love you.

entry - june 13th, 2020
( this page is ripped out )

entry - december 25th, 2020

it was the first time hao spent christmas with us, and he didn't feel out of place. of course, haseul could've been nicer, but she never will. but it was good. and i'm happy. hao kissed me under a mistletoe because he likes these traditions and the pit in my stomach was gone.

entry - march 16th, 2021

mm. sex is okay. what's my problem? sex is okay, so why do i not initiate it? sex is okay. i'm not afraid of sex. i'm not afraid of hao. maybe there's something off with me. who am i so afraid of? sex is okay.

entry - june 13th, 2021

i want to die. i hate getting older.

entry - october 2nd, 2021

rest in peace, hong seunghan. you would've turned eighteen today. i'm sorry i asked you for directions...

entry - january 10th, 2022

it's snowing. i like being outside at night because there's a chance i might freeze to death. and the creature in the woods still stares at me. it looks so much like my dad.

entry - june 13th, 2022

even hao couldn't keep me happy the whole day. whenever i was alone, those boys appeared around me. they told me i should've died. it should've been me, and they're right. had my father acted out his... desires on me, those lives wouldn't have been taken. it's my fault... it's all my fault. i should've died. i should've died. i should've died. i should've died. i should've died.

entry - august 27th, 2022

i didn't want to do it tonight, but ( the rest of the pages from 2022 are ripped out )

entry - january 1st, 2023

i love zhanghao. i love him. it's okay.

entry - june 13th, 2023

i saw my old therapist on facebook, and i wonder if she thinks i'm dead. she was always so worried i'd end up offing myself sooner or later... maybe she doesn't remember me anymore and i'm being self-centered again. i don't know. pain remains, that's something i know. and i threw up when facebook showed me an old photo of my family. dad, why did you do that to me?

entry - august 30th, 2023

you hit me today. my face is all puffy and i can't stop crying. did i get on your nerves again? i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. please, don't leave me.

entry - december 3rd, 2023

i couldn't look at my reflection this morning. my bottom lip and left eye were swollen - how am i meant to go outside look like that? would you rather i stay inside? you hit me again yesterday. like the night before. i don't know what to do. i don't like it. i don't like it. but i like you. why does it feel like you don't like me anymore?

entry - february 13th, 2024

why?

entry - february 14th, 2024

why are you saying those things about me? why did you leave me? please, come back. please, take me back. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you.

entry - february 15th, 2024

zhang hao, i can't sleep. i can't sleep. i can't sleep. i can't sleep. i can't sleep. i can't sleep. i can't sleep. i can't sleep. i can't sleep. i can't sleep.

entry - february 16th, 2024

i see them everywhere.

entry - february 17th, 2024

it's funny how the weight of the world can settle on your shoulders so unexpectedly, crushing you beneath. i'm alone in my bedroom again, and i can't sleep. it's been three days since i got to sleep for more than 2 hours. every breath feels like a struggle, and i can feel how my skin doesn't suit my bones. i wish i could hate you... i can't. there's so much love and pain in me.

entry - march 1st, 2024

it's been six years now, and i can still hear you, dad. i know i can't keep pretending that everything is okay, that i'm unaffected by your existence in my life, but there's no other way for me. lying is the only way i can heal.

entry - march 24th, 2024

i haven't had the time to sit down and write. but i'm taking new steps into making friends, which i think will be good for me. i don't like being lonely. i've lost so much weight since you aren't there to encourage me to eat. hm. what else is there to say? ah. i got a new job. i'm happy.

entry - march 25th, 2024

he looked so much like me- i... i didn't mean to. i'm sorry. i blacked out for a moment, and when he got too close, i, i don't know. something in me snapped. i didn't mean to. i cleaned the body, like you taught me. i got rid of everything, like you used to. but... i don't think i can honor him...

entry - march 27th, 2024

finally found you. i panicked yesterday. i don't want to talk about it... there was so much pain. i can still taste my blood in the back of my throat. um... it's okay. it's okay. it's okay. it's okay. it's okay. i got some sleep. it was a good day. jiwoong took me to that doctor he knows, and i don't think i'm gonna die anytime soon. still unsure if that's a good thing or not...

jeongin kept me company today. we watched brokeback mountain, which i love. it distracted me for a while and i managed to ignore the figures walking around my apartment. it was fun.

but... these thoughts keep spreading. so. i.. i did something reckless. i talked to that wonbin guy. he's strange. very strange. in a way i really, really hate and i can't explain why. and now he knows... he knows what i did. i feel gross, and stupid. i wish i could rip that knowledge out of him somehow. it doesn't feel like he's going to treat me any differently. but now i want to stitch my lips together so i never speak around him again. or cut my hands off. i don't know...

entry - march 28th, 2024

although i desperately need company to be able to sleep, i know i could've found someone else. wonbin offering to tie me up caused my brain to tingle a little, and i dislike him a lot. really do. i'm scared he'll hurt me. so scared. he says he won't but to me, it feels like there's a mutual agreement between us that he should. he should hurt me...

entry - march 29th, 2024

.. i got to sleep. but his presence made me so uncomfortable. i can feel his hands brushing against me as he tied me up. i have complicated feelings for him - he thinks like me. he embraces everything i try to silence. it's suffocating... i feel sick- um. wonbin said i made him feel sick... but it's not the same. i feel dread. i feel bad, and i want to rip my skin out. but i got to sleep. i don't want to ask him to come back again but [...]

i had ice cream with jiwoong earlier. i'm home... hah. today was such a weird day, filled with very high highs. i don't know how to feel. my head hurts. it hurts so bad [...]

( half of the page is covered with scribbles that make zero sense ) i was scared but i liked it i was scared but i liked it i was scared but i liked it i was scared but i liked it i was scared but i liked it i was scared but i liked it i was scared but i liked it i was scared but i liked it i was scared but i liked it

entry - march 30th, 2024

( half of the page is ripped out ) and i prepared his heart. had to feed wonbin.. which was.. interesting. his eyes are huge. but this is good, right? my body feels light now. my heart feels light. and i don't feel guilty that i'm breathing.

entry - april 1st, 2024

talking to wonbin makes my stomach feel funny. and i'm so.. um. baffled at how our conversations have become so flirtatious. they are flirtatious right? it's not just in my head right.. i mean.. i haven't seen him act like that towards anyone else. oh god. why do i even care? why am i overthinking?.. do i want him to flirt with me? no. we wouldn't be good together.. no. no. definitely not. ( the following line is scratched out )

entry - april 2nd, 2024

stop calling me pretty if you dont like me stop calling me pretty if you dont like me stop calling me pretty if you dont like me. why why why why do you look at me like that why do you hold me like that. why do you give me attention. im so normal. im so normal. i dont want to be alone again. ever again. i cant. youre filling up a space in my heart and damaging all the barriers i put up in my mind. im so upset - theres a creature gnawing at my insides whenever youre around and i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it. keep looking at me. keep telling me awful things. but please mean all of it. please only say that to me. only relate to me. please.. i'll get used to it all. i'll let it eat at me if you let it eat at you. i won't say another word about it, about you, to anyone else because they dont get it. just dont hurt me so badly. hurt me just enough that this hunger dwelves into something more harmful to my body and soul please please please.

entry - april 3rd, 2024

baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby ( his handwriting gets progressively worse and worse and worse ) im gonna kill myself in front of you wonbin. this isnt funny. this isnt funny. this isnt funny. its eating every bit of me. my flesh is composed of holes forming your name this isnt fun

entry - april 5th, 2024

today was so messy. it dragged in the morning, and people made me upset so quickly. it's my fault, of course it is. i think it's due to my incompetence in being a decent friend...? i'll make sure to be better and not make anyone upset again. jiwoong says i should speak my mind, but i really don't know how to tell-- ( the next lines are scratched out )

wonbinhcanged his relatiosnhiop status to in like irght after i changed mine back to it's complicated. i dont care! i dont Care. it's not funny. no. i don't care. why would i care. no. its fine. hahahhahahahhahahaha. I'm normal. I'm so normal, and sane. And it's just complicated... yeah. Whatever. Whatever. I'm gonna pluck my toenails out one by one and step on broken glass, eat rat poison, and hang myself to the living room ceiling fan, and while I'm choking and dying, I'll set up a trap that'll shoot me in the chest at least 130 times because I can't DO this anymore. Why isn't he kissing me right now? Why isn't he choking me out and telling me to do whatever? Red is my favorite color. RED IS MY FAVORITE COLOR NOW! ( ... the rest of the page is ripped out. )

entry - april 6th, 2024

you're frustrating, sung. so frustrating. why do you make people put up with you and all your bullsh*t? are you that selfish, that needy? seriously, hanbin. friends? you want friends? when you can't go a single day without whining and surviving on the attention they give you?

you're not a person. you're nothing. nothing, you hear me? and now that i'm gone, it'll be even worse for you. he won't put up with you for as long as i did, i know that much. you're a novelty for now - you're exciting. what are you going to do when the fascination goes away and he gets tired of your gritty little voice, and how you cling to him like a parasite. mm. tell me. what are you going to do? i'm dead now. you won't be able to run back to me.

your little "friends" will find normal, better people to be around, and you'll have nothing. you miss him, right, your dad? why don't you go be with him? maybe then the gaping hole in your heart will be filled and your death will be worth something, since your life clearly isn't. f*ck. you seriously piss me off.

entry - april 8th, 2024

i finally have my journal. it's been one hell of a ride - surviving. my friends visited me (soobin sneaked in to keep me company at night, which made me so happy), and wonbin has been so gentle too. i don't feel bad that i survived... but a quiet voice in the back of my head wonders how long this feeling will last.

entry - april 9th, 2024

stop feeding me honey and milk. stop feeding me honey and milk. stop feeding me honey and milk. stop feeding me honey and milk. stop feeding me honey and milk. stop feeding me honey and milk. stop feeding me honey and milk. stop feeding me honey and milk.

entry - april 10th, 2024

WHATEVER I DONT CAREactually i do care a lot if i see people being happy i might rip my eyes out i can't do it anymore i hate being trapped in this f***ing place this is all my fault anyway so yeah i deserve it but HOLYF*** it's frustrating at least i can write it all down. i need to be niceneedto be supersuper nice so the nurses and doctors think my brain works properly dont want to go to the psych ward i cant sleep next to wonbin if that happens does he even want to sleep next to me? i dont CARE he should want to right? yeah its fine its fine i dont care i'll be nice and normal and everybody likse me... they like me so much it's okay

entry - april 15th, 2024

my boyfriend is so pretty my boyfriend is so disgusting but i like him anyway my boyfriend is so so lovely and he makes me want to go on a killing spree just to make him smile my boyfriend my boyfriend my boyfriend my boyfriend my boyfriend my boyfriend mine mine mine mine mine mine mine

entry - april 20th, 2024

am i sick?

entry - april 23rd, 2024

i never thought the day jiwoong upset me this badly would come, but i should've expected it. that's all people do. but how dare he, shove his nose in my bad business and talk to me so rudely?! about stuff he doesn't understand at all, mind you. he doesn't get it. he wouldn't know true love if it hit him in the face. i'm not lovesick. i'm not cruel. i'm fine. i'm fine. you, of all people, should be happy for me -- after everything hao has done, i finally found someone who's good. are you jealous?