★ Excerpts from Jonathan's Journal

"Nobody normal has ever accomplished anything meaningful in this world."

【headcanons from jonathan's perspective】
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✦ 5/17/80

I've always felt like I've had to be the one taking care of the family.
Now, I'm not saying that that's a bad thing or that I dislike it or anything.
I love my family and with everything that has gone on in the past, I'm more than happy to make their lives just a little easier.
For a month, dad has been completely gone. We're not sure if he'll be back, but what we do know is that it's been so nice lately.
Sure, things have felt weird without him, but we'll get used to it.
We've been able to have family dinners without full blown screaming matches going down. It's nice to feel normal once in a while.
Will has seen happier lately too. I'm glad. I like to see him laughing and smiling.
I think tomorrow I'm going to wake up extra early and make him breakfast in bed.
He used to love it when mom or I did that.
I think he's started to dislike it, especially lately since he thinks I do it for him out of pity.
But that's just not true. I love him so much, and I know mom does too.
I wish there was more I could do to protect him.
I was a weird kid too.
I just don't want him to have to go through the same things.

✦ 7/6/80

Am I too hard on Will and mom?
Out of everyone, those two I feel like I can joke around with the most.
Play fighting and all that, but I don't want to upset them or anything.
Sometimes I feel like I take it too far, which is something I absolutely don't want to do.
Maybe I should try to be nicer overall.
I know will likes roughhousing with me. He says it makes him feel more like every other kid, which makes me happy. I'll try to tune it down, though.

✦ 10/17/81

I got to watch The Evil Dead today!

Oh my God it was so good. This movie alone made me remember why I had liked movies so much in the first place.
It's the type of movie that makes me want to take my camera out and do some shooting.
It sucks that Will wasn't allowed to watch it because now I have no one to talk about it with. Probably for the best though, it would've given him nightmares.
Maybe one day I'll be able to create something so amazing.
I know it's unrealistic to think, but what if I became a director or something? A cinematographer would be a cool job too. I already know how to work all sorts of cameras so it wouldn't be hard.
I'm able to see shots in my head before I take them, my old photography says I have an eye for shadows... Maybe I could.
One day I'll leave Hawkins and really leave an impression on this world.
Or become a local journalist for a place like New York.
Mom would prefer that.
Something safer and more logical. I don't blame her. And I think that's just exactly what I'll do.

But I can still dream.

✦ 11/8/83

Will has been missing for two days.
I can't believe those are words that I actually just wrote. I still can't wrap my head around the whole thing.
Mom thinks that he'll be found soon. She thinks she knows something everyone else doesn't.
I feel bad for her. I don't want to give up hope, but deep down I have this horrible feeling that something bad happened to him. I just don't want to believe this feeling, but it must be true.

Today after school I was walking to my car and I heard these people by the entrance saying absolutely disgusting things about Will.
Calling him names and slurs, saying that they're glad he's gone and that they had barely even heard about his disappearance.
And I'm not one to get into conflict or start things, but something came over me in that moment because I had gotten up in their faces and started yelling at them.
More specifically the girl who was talking the worst about Will.
I couldn't take it.
My heart was racing and I just let it all out. I swear, any second I could've started crying.
Everyone around us was turning to stare at the scene I had created.
Every thought I had was pouring out of me. It was as if I was possessed.
I didn't even notice the people watching us until I had finished screaming.

As I walked back to my car I heard them whispering; as if I couldn't hear every word.
I myself had gotten used to it, but why Will.
What did he ever do to deserve any of it.

He was just a kid.
Is.
He is just a kid.


✦ 1/1/86

happy New Years. i am at Argyle's.
i got high. I am high right now and i have never been high.

It feels good I think.
it's hard to think, actually. my brain feels clouded. i think that's the smoke's fault. it is making it hard to think. argyle is outside.
oh, I'm in Argyle's bathroom on the floor, by the way.
He is not in the bathroom with me. thats weird.. also I'm not going to the bathroom. That's weird. I'm high.
Do you think my mom would be upset if she found out I'm high.
I might have to go home soon, I think I'm dying.
I can't die though because Will and El have school projects and i had promised that I would help.
Mom would be so disappointed with me.

my heart is exploding and i am dying.
If you find this and flip to this page please don't tell my mom please just throw this away.
im tired. i think I am going to get a cupcake and try to calm down.
Argyle is knocking on the door.
goodbye journal.

✦ 1/2/86

I have been informed that I am the stupidest person while high.
That's not going to stop me, but it will stop me from talking as much while intoxicated.
Expect many more journal entries.
Please never find this, mom.

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just a WIP! more coming later!