frail state of mind ///


hello journal, it's me again, matty.

it's been a while. and my heart is f***ing racing, and I don't know why.
Oh. Smart guy, MAYBE it's the anxiety. though i don't know why i'm getting anxiety from this.

I don't intend on anyone seeing this. god, jesus, f*** my heart, man.

funnily enough, speaking of the heart, i will be pointing this out: i AM going to be speaking from the heart. as that is all i can really do. lol. i learned this a little late in life.

I'm not intelligent. i only know heart sh*t. so people think im this philosopher when really the right word would be artist. that's why i call myself that, though i dont really believe it.

I don't know what I believe.

at my best, i'm sunshine, i'm inspirational, i love to love, at my worst, i'm dark and dreary and hurtful. i hate identifying with death and decay. it's not me.

I don't know what prefaced me to come on here and type something, maybe its the grasp for familiarity. it's probably that. i miss familiar things.

But you could just call that nostalgia, genius.
Genius. King of Everything. smartest f***er alive.
f*** me. GOD. F*** me. and F*** you.

i'm just coming back to the machine that hurt me so once before, and am treading these waters to show i can, and i was brought here by nothing. i simply logged on and started typing.
i was hurt very badly here. i was hurt very badly before here. i was always hurting these past few years.

i was hurting the most last night. i guess i'll have to admit i'm still broken over many things i probably shouldnt be anymore, at least im in the healing process rather than the denial stage, though i was much more likable in the denial stage lol.

people have left me for my sudden negativity and pompousness.
i don't mean it. i don't know where it comes from.

i don't want to put a label of mental illness over it, i just don't want to. i was happiest when i never had that in the forefront of my mind. you know, these days, not much is on the forefront of my mind, it's kind of a blessing i can even do this alone.

sentences, these words...all of this, lately, has been hard to construct. i have been living in my subconscious mind for quite a while and have realized people don't like that of me. which is kind of depressing, but it is what it is, i suppose.

...i met someone lately, we ran into each other on accident. not to be a d*ck, but im not a fan of them, they were very PC. NOT that being PC is a bad thing, its just, it seemed very performative and very trying-not-to-step-on-anyones-toes type thing. and i dont believe in that sh*t, man. i believe in self expression and saying whatever the f*** you TRULY believe. plus, if youre gonna be so accepting of everyone and everything, and so enlightened, shouldnt you also speak against what you dont believe in? rather than defend blindlessly what you do? shouldnt you help people being affected? how are you gonna learn anything?

i dont know, maybe its just me, maybe i just prefer to trifle over landmines like an idiot.

i dont want to end it here, theres definitely other sh*t i wanted to go on about. well i dont know, ive been at the beach a lot lately. im sober. yada yada ding dong you get the gist i suppose. sobriety, obviously, sucks. and honestly. i dont want to talk about it. i cant turn it into anything worth talking about other than "this sh*t f***ing sucks but at least i met some of the dopest people from it"

LOL. no pun intended.

i can go on about intelligence and how the heart matters more. but i dont think i will, because thatd feel like im defending myself, and i need to stop doing that. i need to just stand strong in what i believe. its not hard.

f***. whats my f***ing problem. well, im quite tired, for one. for another, its 10 AM and ive got to get up at like 8? oh and another, im starting to believe this one person had a major crush on me and once i got depressed they stopped liking me altogether so theres that. understandable i guess, im a f***ing nonce when im in a depressed state. (again i have no clue why!!!)


mmmmhhhhh. just recently we hung out and i kind of confessed to them but we both said we wouldnt f***ing date right now due to working on ourselves. later on in the night i growled something out, they asked me wtf it was i said, i said, "i was saying i dont f***ing know but with growling. like one of those f***ed up insane chihuahuas" and they told me to growl again, so i did, AND ITS SO FUNNY TYPING THIS OUT, but i did and we laughed and they said "hot" and i said "thanks"

its moments like those im like teehee we could date!, but no theyre too inconsistent. yes. i used that word. when I AM inconsistent. it doesnt hurt me that much because i dont even like them that much, i have a date this weekend anyways. yikes. i think they want to open up the spiritual side of me again. another yikes for the books. i dont like spiritual me. hes stupid and...yeah.

well, this may be all, ive typed a novel.

12:17 AM
- Matty :)
Heart this
1 | Apr 8th 2021 01:50