When I Was A Kid


When I Was A Kid

When I was a kid.. I hid my heart under the bed because my mother said. “If your not careful someday someone's going to break it.” Take it from me, under the bed is not a good hiding spot. I know because I've been shot down so many times I get altitude sickness just from standing up for myself.

When I was a kid.. I could fill a bookshelf with every different way they would tell me how not to play. They’d say. “It’s time to start putting childish things away.” and I was like. “F*** you! This is skeletor.” But more and more they made me believe that our hearts are like door knocks and that where we get the sound of the beat.. And I’ll never get to meet the man inside of me if I can’t stay still long enough to be there. I’ll never make it anywhere if I keep running away. I’ll never know myself if all I ever do is play nikki- nikki- nine, don't wanna be a “man.” When I was a kid I wanted to be a “man.” I wanted to registered retirement savings plan that would keep me in candy long enough to make old age sweet. I wanted two left feet so I could dance around important issues until way passed my bedtime. I’m not saying I don't have opinions, just that others were less likely to argue if they were as tired as I was. Fatigue does to men, what a goodnight kiss does to kids. It put weights on our eyelids and returns us to a place where reason and imagination laced together, shoes whose tongues stick out at stillness and beckoned us to move forward.

As a kid I was always drawn toward moonlight. Despite an armata of adults who insisted I must set my days according to sunlight. I would lay in bed and fight sleep, believing if I shut my eyes even for an instant I would miss out on something amazing.. Turns out I was right. I have seen stars stamped into the night like cookie cutter designs. Drew lines in between each one, inventing new constellations so that when somebody asked me. “What’s your sign?” I could point to mine, the one hanging over the first door passed the finish line and say. “It's right there.. The one marked exit.” Because one day all this getting ahead bullsh*t will be over and people will start looking for me and I’ll be there. I’ll wear my best flashing red and you, you will stand winner circle, thoroughbred. I will unthread the screws that will put you throughout this life then smile and say.. “You made it..”

When I was a kid I traded in homework assignments for friendship and gave each friend a late slip for never showing up on time and in most cases not at all. I gave myself a hall pass to get through each broken promise.. And I remember this plan, born out of frustration from a kid who kept calling me yogi.. Than pointed to my tummy with a small chuckle and said. “To many picnic baskets!” Turns out it’s not that hard to trick someone and one day before class I said. “Yeah.. You can copy my homework..” And I gave him all the wrong answers that I had written down the night before. He got his paper back expecting a near perfect score and couldn’t believe it when he looked at me across the room and held up a zero. I knew I didn’t have to hold up my paper of twenty eight out of thirdy but my satisfaction was complete when he looked at me puzzled and I thought to myself. “Smarter than the avrage bear mother f***er.”

When I was a kid I slid love letters through the slots of lockers that belong to my secret crushes. I built paintbrushes from the tiny hairs that stood on end, every time I saw them. My brain stem finally bloomed with thoughts. I connected the dots and made masterpieces. Each brush stroke a thesis dedicated to the explanation that you, not knowing who I was.. Was only because anonymity made it easier to be brave. I dipped my brush into a tidal wave of I hope this will one day wash over me. I can guarantee, if you’ve ever had a secret admirer. It was someone very much like me who loved someone very much like you. With someone who wanted to tell you how much you’ve meant, how every second we spent thinking of you was simply the cost of getting us through the hard times. We saved nickels and dimes hoping my first date would be with you. So the disappointment of love, we gave up comic books and video games and I promise you every guy I’ve ever met remembers the names of the ones they loved first. That our thirst for love continues as we cross the desserts of maybe believing we will find an oasis of yes. “Yes...” we acquiesce.. Yes.. we probably should have said something. But we were chicken sh*t.. We lit the fuses of our hearts and exploded every time you walked on by..

When I was a kid.. I did stupid sh*t. Ripped the women's underwear section out of the Sears Christmas wish catalog and blamed it on my granddad. He did end up covering for me and had only this to say. “Your only twelve! That’s why I'm impressed.. But take it from experience don't hide that under your mattress..” So I didn’t. I hid it in the empty box of a board game that I never used to play.. And on the day when my grandmother eventually found it, she reamed him out for hiding pornogrify in her grandsons bedroom. The impending doom of the truth set upon me like a die in the sun sending it’s last ray of light over the horizon and aimed directly at me. He didn’t say a word. Incurred the full wrath than laughs with me later saying. “It’s like your heart.. It doesn't matter where you hide it. Lovers are like little kids, lifting up a rock looking for an insect. They will find that sh*t.

When I was a kid.. I trusted myself to know one day I’d be a man. One day I’d have a childhood for a past and a future for a back up plan. That every gauntlet I ever ran was a potato sack race in which time would chase me further toward an ending. I am bending myself back to the beginning, reminding myself there is no winning a race against yourself. Slow down.. And when the kid in back of you falls.. Turn around. Pick them up, dust them off than continue, trust me you are going to need that kid. Your gonna need someone to remind you that every weed is a flower. Just trying to make sh*t work. That every jerk you ever encounter is just another someone who somehow forgot that it’s ok to need a hug. It’s ok to be afraid.

When I was a kid I played hopscotch with the lines they drew in the sand, landed on the conclusion that second hand clothes at least to the benefit of experience and I’ve got a hundred and thirty seventh hand heart.. Broken up apart and stitched back together at the seams. I’ve cartwheeled across balance beams made from the broken finger bones of people who could not let go of this life. I still love the night. I love the fact that if you squint your eyes just right.. Stars look like porcupines of light, stumbling across the dark, dipping their quills into the night, trying to write apologies for all of the unanswered wishes from the time we once wished upon them. Sometimes I still wish.. And most time I wish I didn't have to. I wish I didn't have to wish. So I guess what I’m saying is that I hope. I hope I never forget that kid who grew up inside me. He just seemed to laugh a little bit louder, smile just a little bit longer, loved a whole lot stronger, world's first official awesome, taking awesome from door to door. Take as much as you need, don't worry about me I’ve got more. I’ve got a candy store filled with whatever it’s going to take to make tomorrow sweet. I’ve got two left feet and no bedtime. I’m still not brave enough to have an origie but I rock this slumber party, come nap with me. First one to fall asleep loses.. First one to fall asleep wins. The race stops at the start and the finish line is where it begins so this time first one to lose wins. I know.. We never meant to turn our hearts into garbage bins. It was an accident. I know the headlines about us giving up were a missprint and really just bad reporting. I know we’ve been boarding up all the windows from the outside in. We’ve been doing it ever since they told us to start letting things go and i know we got into the habit of throwing everything away but your heart is a door knock and every time it beats.. It’s just that kids way of asking. “Can you please come out and play?”
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0 | Feb 11th 2019 05:36