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Fear's Past [2023 Edition]
April 1st, 2001
I was born. Yes, my birthday is on April Fools day. I was a month early actually. When I was pulled out, there was no man next to my mother. Well, her age at least. My parents were divorced before I was born so I don't know much about my father. Just his name, Kenneth, and the state he resides in, Pennsylvania. I..was a f***ed up child, I won't lie. I had 3 open heart surgeries. This makes my heart beat faster than normal people's and I can't jog as long as other people can. I also have a joint in my left thumb that doesn't work. I can't bend the second half of it. But that's not important to my story. My life was fine for a few years..until I turned six..
There are three abuses that I have been forced to take. Verbal, physical, and psychological. Psychological abuse I guess is when someone convinces you're something that you're not. We'll get to that in a bit. When I was six, (I can't remember much really..) I would get an ass whooping all the time. Now, that's just punishment. Some people have to learn the hard way. Most people do in my opinion. But my mother beat me. She would slap my face, threatened to punch me, hit me with the nearest object, etc. Before I get to the one mini story, my mother convinced me I was a fatass for four years (6-10) I look pudgy when I sit down because that's relaxed muscle in my abdomen area. I don't exercise a lot really. But I currently weigh 115lbs. Fatass, right? I think not. This was the second house we lived in and she had her second bf. Marshall. Marshall, at the time, was a druggie and a gold digger. Her first one was a druggie. One day, my mother and I were doing P90X (A workout CD program). I couldn't do squats correctly. I would always tilt my back a bit forward. After countless tries and countless screams at me from my mother, she got so mad that she bit me for a good 20 seconds. I sh*t you not..she bit me. It left an oval bruise on it. Now, my mother told me to NEVER tell my grandma but I always did. I became depressed really quickly and tried to get as much attention as I wanted..negative or positive. I was that annoying kid that people hated. But at home..I was wearing a sad and depressed face. My mother would always ask why and I answered, 'I dunno.' Then she would scream at me, screaming the same question. The truth was..I never wanted to be around my mother. I had no way to channel my anger. The only time I did was when I yelled at my grandma. I knew she wouldn't hit me. I expressed my feelings in anger and hatred...
This one will be a short one since its just another abuse story. I was eight-ten when this happened and we were in our 3rd house. First let me introduce you to Trey. Trey and I were best friends at the time. But..my mother didn't like him all that much so I had to end the friendship. I went to the local park one day and I saw Trey and Trey saw me. We hung out a bit and then I came back home. My mother was half awake at the time when I got in. She asked me to make her a sandwich. Now at the time, I was too lazy to put mayo on my sandwiches. My mother didn't ask for mayo..just ham and cheese or turkey and cheese..I forget. I don't think she said mayo. I made it and gave it to her and she took a bite. She was still in bed at the time. She then chucked the sandwich at me and got up. She made her own sandwich and asked what I was doing at the park. I said I was hanging out with Trey. I forget the next part but she thought I was lying to her and started to scream at me. She then got a fork and threw it at me, prongs or stabby things first. I moved but it chipped some of my ear off. She then threw a milk jug at me and that hit me in the leg. And that was the end of it I think.
When I turned 11, my grandparents had enough. They called CPS (Child Protective Services) and this really cool guy came over and talked to me. My mom and her..5th boyfriend, Jimmy, were at the beach celebrating her birthday. I was at my grandparents. I can't really what happened during the weeks ahead but we had a court battle a month or two later. My mother lied to the judge, saying she didn't do anything to me. But, we had a photo of the bite mark from when I was six. That was the only thing that she admitted to. Cause we had proof. I had to stay in the deli with one of my uncles since no one under 18 was allowed inside the court room itself. Another one of my uncles was paying for my mother's lawyer so I lost all respect for him. We won after a few hours.
Second court battle a few months later...
My mother tried to fight to get custody of me and I had to stay in the deli again. I should point out that our lawyer was 15 grand each ($15,000) so it would be 30 Gs in total. I actually went to speak to the judge (really nice lady) alone in her office. We talked a bit and she said she couldn't charge her because evidence fades away over time. And all this was years ago. We won again but she sent me to a family reunification therapist for five months, once a week. Did nothing for me. She was a bitch. She was trying to get me back with my mother. I'm all like..'Hell to the no.' But she kept pushing it and it got annoying. The five months passed and I still do not wish to see my mother. F*** you mom! xD
Last year...
I had been living with my grandparents since the first court battle and life was good..until the detectives came. Yeah, one day two detectives came to our door. My grandma was at work and my grandpa is retired. I went into the garage and my grandpa went to go and talk to them. I can't remember much of what he said but I learned that he was looking at child p0rnography which is illegal. CPS came again and this time it was a woman. We went into my room and she asked my if I was being like touched or anything. And no, he wasn't. I'm fine. The closest thing of touching me was putting a frozen breakfast on my back. xD My grandpa packed his stuff and went to live with his niece or something. I rode with the CPS lady to her office and she contacted my grandma and told her all about this. The detectives took my grandpa's computer and they found a picture of a young boy on his computer. Like I said, I'm fine. After all this other stuff, he moved back in. But he f***ed up again and did it again. My grandma and I moved out to live with my aunt and uncle for 6-8 months.
While living with them, one of my aunt's disks in her spine popped out and was hitting her nerve. You know when you have muscle spasms? Imagine having that all day, all night, everyday. She recently got surgery so she's fine and she can walk on her own again. My grandma and I got our own place not far from my aunt and uncle's and we're living with two doggies. I also have the most wonderful and amazing girlfriend. ^-^ My life is now in a more happy stage now.
_________________________________________________________________
Guys, my point is that you just need to wait it out. Life is too precious to throw away because you never know when something will happen. Sure, some bad things will happen. A lot of bad things will happen. But you never know when something good will come to you..
_________________________________________________________________
In November of 2017 my uncle had a stroke caused by the doctor not keeping an eye on him. His pulse/o2 was in the fifties and had extreme hypertension. He was paralyzed from the belly button down. His initial stroke was so massive that until February he kept having smaller strokes throughout the night. From November to February I watched him from my loft. I watched him deteriorate slowly and painfully. I literally watched him die. Seeing him in active end of life was the hardest part for me. I walked into the back door from school and I see him groaning in pain, and my aunt administrating Morphine. When they told me what was happening I don’t believe I comprehended it at first, but then soon cried my eyes out. I knew that one of my most lively family members had a few days left to live. He did teach me one thing though. Don’t be afraid of death. Live your life how you want to, no matter the choices. My uncle didn’t care about anything because he knew that the only thing that was important was his friends and family. He knew his choices weren’t the best, but that didn’t stop him from doing whatever the hell he wanted.
Ayo, but fast forward to 2019. My dumbass graduated high school with the transcript of freshman, freshman, junior, senior and still graduated with the boys. Yes, I failed freshman year and skipped sophomore year. I’m just that stupidly smart. I’ve been through some sh*t, been out of some sh*t. Helped some people, made some f***ing enemies.
I’m back with my mom now but I still live with my grandma. I got some mother f***ing dreams now from being a SWAT Medic to a psychiatric nurse to a flight nurse. I wanted to be in the Navy and be a SARC but my heart gave me the middle finger.
As you can see, my stupid ass is now just ‘no f***s given’ and f***ing angry. I don’t roleplay as much anymore but I’m trying to get back into it. Can’t believe I’ve been on this bullsh*t site for almost five years now.
Ay but lemme say this. Chase your dream. Excel at what you love. Don’t let nobody hold you down. Only you hold you down, trust me I know.
_________________________________________________________________
Its now 2022. I got my Certified Nursing Assistant. I've been a CNA for two and a half years. Going for my EMT this month (August). I also exterior detail cars as a side thing.
Got my heart broken. I think about her everyday for a year now. I hate her, I have so much I just want to say for keeping me going like that for four f***ing years. I love her too though. She was the one.
F*** these women, just chase money. Money can't play games with you.
_________________________________________________________________
I've been working in healthcare for three years now as a CNA, its been good but rough. I've done my fair share of 16 hour shifts almost back to back and even back to back before, I got a better job, and I've gone through EMT class. I'm scheduled to take my NREMT (National Registry Emergency Medical Technician) exam May 30th and I will be working as an EMT in California. EMT class is no f***ing joke, man, that sh*t's hard. After that I'm going to be starting the road to Practical Nursing school to become an LPN. My stepfather got accepted into Stanford and has gotten an Alpha and Omega award. I can't wait to be like my mom. She's the best paramedic I know and its surreal tat I'm going to be like her. Gonna be chasing my dream of working for like FEMA or an international aid company to help out during things like the earthquakes in Turkey; as well as become a flight medic. Maybe work on a Mercy ship or a military base as a civilian. SWAT medic is always an option too.
As of mid 2022, I've gotten back with my girlfriend that I ranted about. God, that was such a long and bad year but I needed it, we both did. I love her dearly, always had even through the hate. Hah, when she came back.. maaaan I've never screamed so damn much in ten minutes. I was so angry. It's okay though, we're good. No one will understand my feelings for her, but she's the one.
My best friend came back from Saudi Arabia and Kuwait being in the Army. He's changed now. He isn't crazy or anything like that, just changed. I plead whoever reads this, always check up on your best friends and say you love them. You never know when it'll be the last time. Other than that..
Life's good.
That’s all for now. Enjoy the song.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8CcTYsMHYU
I was born. Yes, my birthday is on April Fools day. I was a month early actually. When I was pulled out, there was no man next to my mother. Well, her age at least. My parents were divorced before I was born so I don't know much about my father. Just his name, Kenneth, and the state he resides in, Pennsylvania. I..was a f***ed up child, I won't lie. I had 3 open heart surgeries. This makes my heart beat faster than normal people's and I can't jog as long as other people can. I also have a joint in my left thumb that doesn't work. I can't bend the second half of it. But that's not important to my story. My life was fine for a few years..until I turned six..
There are three abuses that I have been forced to take. Verbal, physical, and psychological. Psychological abuse I guess is when someone convinces you're something that you're not. We'll get to that in a bit. When I was six, (I can't remember much really..) I would get an ass whooping all the time. Now, that's just punishment. Some people have to learn the hard way. Most people do in my opinion. But my mother beat me. She would slap my face, threatened to punch me, hit me with the nearest object, etc. Before I get to the one mini story, my mother convinced me I was a fatass for four years (6-10) I look pudgy when I sit down because that's relaxed muscle in my abdomen area. I don't exercise a lot really. But I currently weigh 115lbs. Fatass, right? I think not. This was the second house we lived in and she had her second bf. Marshall. Marshall, at the time, was a druggie and a gold digger. Her first one was a druggie. One day, my mother and I were doing P90X (A workout CD program). I couldn't do squats correctly. I would always tilt my back a bit forward. After countless tries and countless screams at me from my mother, she got so mad that she bit me for a good 20 seconds. I sh*t you not..she bit me. It left an oval bruise on it. Now, my mother told me to NEVER tell my grandma but I always did. I became depressed really quickly and tried to get as much attention as I wanted..negative or positive. I was that annoying kid that people hated. But at home..I was wearing a sad and depressed face. My mother would always ask why and I answered, 'I dunno.' Then she would scream at me, screaming the same question. The truth was..I never wanted to be around my mother. I had no way to channel my anger. The only time I did was when I yelled at my grandma. I knew she wouldn't hit me. I expressed my feelings in anger and hatred...
This one will be a short one since its just another abuse story. I was eight-ten when this happened and we were in our 3rd house. First let me introduce you to Trey. Trey and I were best friends at the time. But..my mother didn't like him all that much so I had to end the friendship. I went to the local park one day and I saw Trey and Trey saw me. We hung out a bit and then I came back home. My mother was half awake at the time when I got in. She asked me to make her a sandwich. Now at the time, I was too lazy to put mayo on my sandwiches. My mother didn't ask for mayo..just ham and cheese or turkey and cheese..I forget. I don't think she said mayo. I made it and gave it to her and she took a bite. She was still in bed at the time. She then chucked the sandwich at me and got up. She made her own sandwich and asked what I was doing at the park. I said I was hanging out with Trey. I forget the next part but she thought I was lying to her and started to scream at me. She then got a fork and threw it at me, prongs or stabby things first. I moved but it chipped some of my ear off. She then threw a milk jug at me and that hit me in the leg. And that was the end of it I think.
When I turned 11, my grandparents had enough. They called CPS (Child Protective Services) and this really cool guy came over and talked to me. My mom and her..5th boyfriend, Jimmy, were at the beach celebrating her birthday. I was at my grandparents. I can't really what happened during the weeks ahead but we had a court battle a month or two later. My mother lied to the judge, saying she didn't do anything to me. But, we had a photo of the bite mark from when I was six. That was the only thing that she admitted to. Cause we had proof. I had to stay in the deli with one of my uncles since no one under 18 was allowed inside the court room itself. Another one of my uncles was paying for my mother's lawyer so I lost all respect for him. We won after a few hours.
Second court battle a few months later...
My mother tried to fight to get custody of me and I had to stay in the deli again. I should point out that our lawyer was 15 grand each ($15,000) so it would be 30 Gs in total. I actually went to speak to the judge (really nice lady) alone in her office. We talked a bit and she said she couldn't charge her because evidence fades away over time. And all this was years ago. We won again but she sent me to a family reunification therapist for five months, once a week. Did nothing for me. She was a bitch. She was trying to get me back with my mother. I'm all like..'Hell to the no.' But she kept pushing it and it got annoying. The five months passed and I still do not wish to see my mother. F*** you mom! xD
Last year...
I had been living with my grandparents since the first court battle and life was good..until the detectives came. Yeah, one day two detectives came to our door. My grandma was at work and my grandpa is retired. I went into the garage and my grandpa went to go and talk to them. I can't remember much of what he said but I learned that he was looking at child p0rnography which is illegal. CPS came again and this time it was a woman. We went into my room and she asked my if I was being like touched or anything. And no, he wasn't. I'm fine. The closest thing of touching me was putting a frozen breakfast on my back. xD My grandpa packed his stuff and went to live with his niece or something. I rode with the CPS lady to her office and she contacted my grandma and told her all about this. The detectives took my grandpa's computer and they found a picture of a young boy on his computer. Like I said, I'm fine. After all this other stuff, he moved back in. But he f***ed up again and did it again. My grandma and I moved out to live with my aunt and uncle for 6-8 months.
While living with them, one of my aunt's disks in her spine popped out and was hitting her nerve. You know when you have muscle spasms? Imagine having that all day, all night, everyday. She recently got surgery so she's fine and she can walk on her own again. My grandma and I got our own place not far from my aunt and uncle's and we're living with two doggies. I also have the most wonderful and amazing girlfriend. ^-^ My life is now in a more happy stage now.
_________________________________________________________________
Guys, my point is that you just need to wait it out. Life is too precious to throw away because you never know when something will happen. Sure, some bad things will happen. A lot of bad things will happen. But you never know when something good will come to you..
_________________________________________________________________
In November of 2017 my uncle had a stroke caused by the doctor not keeping an eye on him. His pulse/o2 was in the fifties and had extreme hypertension. He was paralyzed from the belly button down. His initial stroke was so massive that until February he kept having smaller strokes throughout the night. From November to February I watched him from my loft. I watched him deteriorate slowly and painfully. I literally watched him die. Seeing him in active end of life was the hardest part for me. I walked into the back door from school and I see him groaning in pain, and my aunt administrating Morphine. When they told me what was happening I don’t believe I comprehended it at first, but then soon cried my eyes out. I knew that one of my most lively family members had a few days left to live. He did teach me one thing though. Don’t be afraid of death. Live your life how you want to, no matter the choices. My uncle didn’t care about anything because he knew that the only thing that was important was his friends and family. He knew his choices weren’t the best, but that didn’t stop him from doing whatever the hell he wanted.
Ayo, but fast forward to 2019. My dumbass graduated high school with the transcript of freshman, freshman, junior, senior and still graduated with the boys. Yes, I failed freshman year and skipped sophomore year. I’m just that stupidly smart. I’ve been through some sh*t, been out of some sh*t. Helped some people, made some f***ing enemies.
I’m back with my mom now but I still live with my grandma. I got some mother f***ing dreams now from being a SWAT Medic to a psychiatric nurse to a flight nurse. I wanted to be in the Navy and be a SARC but my heart gave me the middle finger.
As you can see, my stupid ass is now just ‘no f***s given’ and f***ing angry. I don’t roleplay as much anymore but I’m trying to get back into it. Can’t believe I’ve been on this bullsh*t site for almost five years now.
Ay but lemme say this. Chase your dream. Excel at what you love. Don’t let nobody hold you down. Only you hold you down, trust me I know.
_________________________________________________________________
Its now 2022. I got my Certified Nursing Assistant. I've been a CNA for two and a half years. Going for my EMT this month (August). I also exterior detail cars as a side thing.
Got my heart broken. I think about her everyday for a year now. I hate her, I have so much I just want to say for keeping me going like that for four f***ing years. I love her too though. She was the one.
F*** these women, just chase money. Money can't play games with you.
_________________________________________________________________
I've been working in healthcare for three years now as a CNA, its been good but rough. I've done my fair share of 16 hour shifts almost back to back and even back to back before, I got a better job, and I've gone through EMT class. I'm scheduled to take my NREMT (National Registry Emergency Medical Technician) exam May 30th and I will be working as an EMT in California. EMT class is no f***ing joke, man, that sh*t's hard. After that I'm going to be starting the road to Practical Nursing school to become an LPN. My stepfather got accepted into Stanford and has gotten an Alpha and Omega award. I can't wait to be like my mom. She's the best paramedic I know and its surreal tat I'm going to be like her. Gonna be chasing my dream of working for like FEMA or an international aid company to help out during things like the earthquakes in Turkey; as well as become a flight medic. Maybe work on a Mercy ship or a military base as a civilian. SWAT medic is always an option too.
As of mid 2022, I've gotten back with my girlfriend that I ranted about. God, that was such a long and bad year but I needed it, we both did. I love her dearly, always had even through the hate. Hah, when she came back.. maaaan I've never screamed so damn much in ten minutes. I was so angry. It's okay though, we're good. No one will understand my feelings for her, but she's the one.
My best friend came back from Saudi Arabia and Kuwait being in the Army. He's changed now. He isn't crazy or anything like that, just changed. I plead whoever reads this, always check up on your best friends and say you love them. You never know when it'll be the last time. Other than that..
Life's good.
That’s all for now. Enjoy the song.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8CcTYsMHYU
15 | Dec 13th 2015 20:56
Me: *Comments on my own blogs.*