Im not really sure what I should say... but lately I've been feeling so defeated... so alone. I feel like no matter what I do to make friends or try to find someone to call my own I never have any luck and someone shuts me down and makes me feel so small. I get that I do have friends who care about me on here.... a select few who actually speak to me and make sure I'm okay... but its just not worth it to feel this down. This is the worst i've felt since I've been here... and i've been here a long ass time ( Since July 9th, 2014). Ive taken a few brief hiatuses when times where just unbearable... but I think its time I step away for a while longer then I usually do. I've had a lot of fun with everyone these past few years but right now I just feel like everyone has forgotten about me.... I've had people claim they care about me, log on, and ignore me completely. People have claimed to love me and they turn around and flirt with every girl on their friends list. No matter how much I vent to my friend via messages I never feel like I've gotten all of my anger out... or frankly they don't care. Maybe people will miss me when Im gone and realize what I mean to them (if I really mean anything to them in the first place.)

With all of that being said as of today (October 22nd 2018) I'll be taking at least a month long hiatus until I feel better about things and or I think its the right time to come back. I do have KIK for those of you who want to keep in touch with me while I'm away... Just ask for it before I leave if you would like it. I won't be gone forever... like I said I just need time to reflect on how I feel about being here.

Best of luck to everyone in everything both in your roleplay lives and your personal lives. I love you.

Xoxo,
Mickie James

Having a me day at the Mecca while In deep thought. Tonight #wwenomercy brings you a #rawwomenschampionship without the History Maker herself. I've sat back... patiently... humbly... on the sidelines long enough watching while Girls with half my accolades... etc... get the opportunities I came back with my sights on. It seems In all this sideline sitting I forgot who I am! It seems You have too! But I remember... and soon so shall all of you! I will sit no longer. I want to wish all you ladies luck! But know this.... whomever holds that championship at the end of the night... I'm coming for you! Not some bell bottom wearing smiling happy to be here yes sir girl but a grown a$$ woman with battle scars you've yet to understand. Hardcore county reigns again... Un-humbly yours~ MJ #igotanewadditude #ImBack #ImComing #HardcoreCountry #wwewomenschampionship

"Ladies and gentlemen welcome to Impact wrestling! I'm Josh Matthews alongside Taz and tonight seems like its going to be an interesting night."
"For once I agree with you Josh, tonight promises to be a great show. We've got the Knockouts champion Taryn Terrell and the dollhouse in action against Brooke and Gail Kim. Also Mickie James was supposedly seen around the studio. Maybe she has an update for us! also Kurt Angel takes on Eric Young for the World Heavyweight Title."
Backstage was so different - from the tiles on the floor to the smell in the air nothing seemed right. "MICKIE!!!" Brooke wrapped me in a hug "I've missed you so much! Oh my gosh I hear your a mom now!" I smile and squeeze Brooke tight. "Brooke! I've missed you too!! Yeah I am a mom" I pulled out my cell phone and swiped to a picture of my healthy baby boy. "His name is Donovan, he's the light of my life." Brooke eeped and took my phone. "SHUT UP!! He's too cute! Magnus is one lucky man and you are one lucky lady." I smiled watching Brooke react to Donovan "Aw thanks Brooke... I'll bring him sometime once Nick gets to feeling better." Nick was Magnus's real name Donovan's daddy and my soon to be husband. "Oh my gosh yes! please do! I'd love to meet him!" I smiled and The Dollhouse's theme hit. "This is what the knockouts division is turning into? what a slap in the face to all the ladies who pushed to make it more than pretty faces...." Brooke nodded "I know Micks.... that's why you need to come back and show these Barbie Dolls what wrestling is all about." I smirked and heard Gail's theme hit. " I gotta run! I'll see you after my match! air kisses!" She blew me a kiss and I grabbed it smiling "Good luck!" I watched intently backstage Taryn was a strong wrestler and she loved that knockouts title it was a brutal match so far Brooke and Gail weren't looking to hot. I grew worried suddenly a familiar voice from behind me caught my attention. "Well, well a fellow country person". I jumped a little and turned around to find the tall tan and handsome James Storm behind me. "James oh my gosh hi!" We hugged each other tight "it's so nice seeing you again!" I didn't get to work with James much but the one time we worked together we won the Wrestling World Cup in a mixed tag match, I always hung out with James after work long before I started dating Nick. "It's nice to see you too honey! How's Donovan doing?!? He must be getting pretty big now!" Another deep voice from behind replied for me "yes he is getting big and he's just fine" I raised an eyebrow and turned behind me to see Nick and Donovan behind me "hi babe!! And hi Donovan how's mommy's little man?!?" I took Donovan from Nick gently and held him tight smothering him in kisses. He giggled and let me kiss him. " Nick... What are you doing here? I thought you were injured?" I looked back at Nick "he's right babe... I thought you were at home resting. You really shouldn't be here if you don't feel up to it." He crossed his arms and stared James down "I feel fine hun would be better if this scum wasn't bothering you". I ignored the comment and watch Brooke take a huge TKO giving The DollHouse the win. "And who are you calling scum? The guy who is supposed to be home getting better so he can come back to action soon and make his son proud?" I watched Gail help Brooke up and they limped backstage together. "Hey James...no". Gail saw me "MICKIE!!!" She ran over to me hugging me gently "oh my gosh! Who is this little man? Is that Donovan?" I smiled and hugged her back "It sure is! It's his first show didn't expect him but it's always nice to see my little man!" Brooke groaned after a frustrating lose than saw me holding Donovan and ran over. "Oh my gosh he's here! Hello!! Can I hold him Micks please?!?" I smiled "of course both you ladies can hold him." I handed Donovan over to Brooke gently and turned my attention back to James and Nick. "What's that supposed to mean you sorry piece of shit?!? You think since I'm not here I don't look out for Mickie or my son, well you are sorely mistaken! I don't want you hanging out with Mickie anymore, your no good and if you ever bring up my son's name again I promise you I will give you the biggest beat down of your life!" I stood between them "whoa whoa... Hold it. James it's okay Nick has the right to be here. Now babe, you need to cool it your not telling me who I hang out with Im sorry. If I don't trust him I won't hang out with him but I trust him completely, you have to have enough fate and trust in me to know that I won't try anything". I noticed my theme song and entrance video getting ready to be played "now if you would please excuse me, I have something to say to the fans." I waited in the holding area and made my return that shock Impact and apparently the knockouts and superstars to their core.

I awake to Dean stretching out in front of me, oh my god... He looks so cute when he's sleepy!!! I glanced at my phone and noticed that it was 7:30, that would give me enough time to get Dean and I breakfast and hit the gym before the first match of my professional career. "You want breakfast butt face?" I asked, chuckling when Dean leaped "whoa when did you wake up testy?" I rolled my eyes "two seconds ago now come on you want breakfast?" I stood up and held my head suffering a slight hang over from the night before... Yes somehow I got drunk off whine, that's what I get for barely ever drinking. "Sure but I'll make it for us you have a huge day ahead of you and let's face it I would do anything for my sis." I smiled and let him make us breakfast, I went upstairs and got into my gym clothes and got ready to take the blunt of Dean's moves in the practice ring. I walked back downstairs to find Dean making this amazing smelling breakfast. I sat down at the table and Dean placed an omelet in front of me with a nice steaming glass of coffee. "Bon apatite!" He smiled and kissed my cheek and headed to make himself breakfast. I blushed and dug in, damn this boy could cook!! Dean and I finished up our breakfast and packed up for the gym. "Dean go easy on me... I'm scared...." We climbed in the car and buckle de up "of course I'll be easy on you, I don't want to beat the hell out of you, why are you scared... You know I'd never do anything to hurt you." I tried to hide my blush and Dean smirked "someone is a little Blushy today!" I shot him the stink eye and tried to enjoy the rest of the ride to the gym.
*******
We arrived at the gym and headed inside. I climbed inside the practice ring and Dean got in as well "you ready?" I nodded and held my breath. Dean locked up with me and I shoved him into the turn buckle. "Not bad Megan, what are you gonna do now that you've got me in your power?" I thought for a moment and hit a killer monkey flip, Dean sprung back up and smirked at me. "Very nice!" We went back and forth and I practiced taking my bumps and selling them.

********
We practiced up until lunch and reality was setting in, "Im less then 5 hours away from my first match.... I think I'm going to be sick...." Dean wrapped his arm around my waist. "You'll do fine.... I'm sure of it." Dean and I went off to lunch. I didn't eat anything since the sight of food made me sick. Dean and I headed to the venue for tonight's show and headed backstage. "Megan this is my former tag team partner Mr. Money in the bank Seth Rollins" I offered my hand for a shake "nice to meet you" Roman walked up "oh my shit you are fine!!" I giggled "I'm Megan, and I know your Roman. Nice to meet you" I finished my meet and greets and sat around backstage with my ring gear on my lap. The show started and I got into my ring gear and sat in my locker room. My match was later on in the show after Dean's match.

******
1.......2....... 3!!! "Here is your winner, Dean Ambrose!" The fans went wild and I waited in the holding area. Dean made his way backstage and I hugged him tight. "Congrats!!! Deany!!" He smiled and wrapped his strong arm around my waist "thanks Megan! Now you go out there and kick some ass!" I smiled, Nattie's theme to and Lilian starts her announcing. "The following divas contest is set for one fall. Introducing first from Calgary Alberta Canada, Natalia!!!" The fans erupted and Nattie smiled on the turnbuckle leaping off it. She's A Hottie by Toby Keith played "And her opponent, from Litchfield making her WWE Debut, Megan!!!" The fans were mixed as I made my way to the ring in my semi Dean inspired ring attire. I climbed into the ring and waited in my corner, my theme stopped and the ref rang the bell. Nattie and I locked up after shaking hands she backed me into the corner and threw me onto the mat.

*******
The match when 100 miles a minute and Nattie was still in control, but I had gotten a few bumps in to try to tear the queen of hearts down. She wouldn't budge and in the end I got locked in the sharp shooter and ended up tapping what seemed like instantly. Nattie's theme hit and Lilian stood up "here is your winner, Natalya!" The fans cheered and I remained laying in the middle of the ring, my legs and lower back aching. Nattie helped me up and smiled helping me out of the ring. I made my way backstage and Dean wrapped me in a hug, "good effort Megan, you did great!"I smiled and kissed him lightly. I was finally ready to tell Dean how I truly feel about him.

The dream of becoming a WWE Diva isn't something you can just wake up wanting. It takes being a WWE Universe, training your ass off, having a best friend whose a WWE superstar also helps. Dean and I fight like siblings, and get pissed off when someone hurts the other, safe to say that Dean is the brother I don't have. For those of you who don't know which Dean I'm talking about, I mean Dean Ambrose THE Dean Ambrose. We met at a WWE press conference in my home town of Litchfield. I was just starting the process of becoming a WWE diva and I hadn't met one of them. Dean was the first to greet me, and we just instantly clicked. The night before my debut match and naturally I'm feeling sick to my stomach. I feel my phone vibrate and I glance at the phone and smile when I see its Dean. "Hello?" I answered smiling, trying not to sound too queazy. "Hey Megan, how you holdin' up?" I swallowed hard remembering that my first ever match is tomorrow... On Raw none the less- "uh... Well..." He didn't let me finish "I'm coming over... You don't sound to good hun." I smiled and agreed
****
Within ten minutes Dean was knocking at my door. "Come in" I shouted still sitting on the couch facing the TV, stuffing my face with Bon-Bons. Dean opened the door and closed it behind him walking over to the couch holding what looked like a bottle. "You know you really should check to see who it is before you invite a potential masked murderer into your house, giving up your one and only life because of.... What are those Bon Bons?!?" I laughed "Yes! Bon Bons! I love chocolate and I'm nervous, and so sorry mother!" Dean shot me his famous "oh no you didn't" look and sat on my face. "Who's your mother now?!?" He laughed placing the bottle on the coffee table. "Dean for real get the fuck off!" I laughed slapping him on the ass. "EEEP!!!" He jumped off me and rubbed his ass "what da fuck Megan!?!?" I laughed "you started it!!!" Dean popped open the bottle of whine sipping it from the bottle "oh.... Sorry did you want some?" I laughed taking it "just give me the bloody thing...." I took a sip too and licked the stray whine off my lip. "You just French kissed your brother..." Dean smirked. "What?!? Did not!!!" He smirked again "testy!" Dean snd I spent most of the night talking about different things.... Not once did I have a single shred of nerve to tell him how I feel about him. Not that there's nothing between us... Just friends that's it.... Yet I find myself constantly having to tell myself that I don't want him.