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[&&] ' every step you take. '
( ⚠︎ tw: this blog consists of direct entries from kai's diary, a log for documenting the events in his daily life as well as information about his obsessions. due to the inherently dark nature of his mind, this blog contains mentions of stalking, obsession, violence, self harm, suicide, and more. read at your own risk. )
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✎ — 05.08.24: WEDNESDAY.
DEAR DIARY,
i got a new diary since i destroyed the last one ^ᴗ^ as always, i’ll try to write here daily.
i don’t have anyone to watch. i didn’t before, ever since minho broke up with me, but my chances of finding someone else are slim right now. i miss watching. i'm sad about it, so i’m going to lea’s on saturday once i get all my stuff packed. i miss her.. i have to bring my friends with me. i need a bigger suitcase for them. on another note, i don’t like parties, but i’m thinking about scouting some out.. just to watch.
i’m done writing for today. i’ll be back tomorrow!
— love, kai. ♡
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( ⚠︎ tw: self harm. )
✎ — 05.09.24: THURSDAY.
DEAR DIARY,
today is thursday, and it's been actually kind of productive so far.
i did more packing, but only for about an hour until i wanted to draw. i decided on the blood eagle from hannibal today.. i really like that one, it's so pretty.. i'll try to get it done by saturday. (little hearts are drawn around the words "blood eagle.")
thanatos came to my room last night. i didn't want to see him as usual, but he didn't leave until i cut myself, which i did do. you know that thing where you're planning on doing a chore, and then your mom tells you to do it, and you get annoyed? hearing him tell me to cut myself was kind of like that, because i was planning on doing it anyways because i felt stupid.. ugh. i had to cry and cuddle aqua to feel better..
i've met some new people.
❥ jeon jeongguk is kinda weird, and seems a little sardonic, but he asked about leo and wanted to know what i was doing today. i guess i'm going to drop off weed for him, which is gross, but.. i wanted to be nice.
❥ choi yeonjun is funny.. he's definitely bolder than me, and an extrovert. hyung likes parties. he says a lot of weird words, and he seems like the typical frat boy type.. especially considering he won't stop calling me stupid names that make me blush. he calls me pretty boy.. baby, princess.. doll. it's weird. i dropped off alcohol for him last night and only looked at him for a second before i got scared and left..
❥ park jiwoo seems sweet. she asked me if i was ghostface because i asked if she liked horror movies.. i'm not sexy enough to be ghostface. i want to talk more with her.
❥ then there's park jisung, who i only spoke with once. he asked about leo too. i don't know why, but i get the feeling he's a little screwed up just by the way he talks.
i think that's everything for today. i need to finish getting things packed up. i'll be around again tomorrow as usual!
— love, kai. ♡
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✎ — 05.10.24: FRIDAY.
( ⚠︎ tw: mentions of stalking, self harm, general obsessiveness. )
DEAR DIARY,
today is friday, finally. i went to class, but i couldn't focus very well. i had a lot on my mind.
jeongguk's been a little angry lately. he says he isn't angry, but he's been acting more passive aggressive with me. he's angry. what did i do to him? if i liked him any more than i do now he'd have a real reason to cut me off.. maybe i'll make him see that.
the important thing: i'm writing a letter for yeonjun-hyung. i like him. i would cut myself again to write it in blood, but i think i'd pass out too many times like i did with sunghoon's letters.. and maybe hyung wouldn't like it. no, he would.. he has to, because he'd know how that represents my loyalty. maybe it isn't such a bad idea. i'll write the last bit in that perfect red. i'm so excited! ♡
did i say enough about yeonjun-hyung anyways? i could rip my f***ing skin off, he's so sweet! he's gonna give me his hoodie. i was gonna break in and steal it anyways, but this makes it so much easier for me.
( kai's handwriting becomes a little sloppier here. )
we're really compatible. he says he'd let me chase him with my knife and i haven't stopped shaking about it all day (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶) i wouldn't kill him, i wouldn't ever dream of hurting him, only if he tries to leave me. i think he's my soulmate! i know we met not even a week ago and i said that about taehyun and sunghoon and minho, but really, this could be the real deal this time! he's kind and he's charming and he's so handsome, i wish i could describe it to you. i'll have to take pictures to print off and put in this book. his hair falls so perfectly on his face.. the color of his eyes reminds me of the depth and expanse of the night sky, a vast dazzling macrocosm of soft velvet and glimmering pinpricks of light. so pretty. my heart stopped the very second i saw him and i want to live for this alone. i wonder if he sings in the shower. i can find out tonight, can't i? i'm sure he's warm and inviting, soft and gentle. i wanna listen to his heart beating. i wanna crawl into his skin. i wanna live in his ribcage and eat his heart.
i'm going to go watch him tonight. if i like what i see, i'll try getting in tomorrow. i'll see you soon! (•ᴗ•)
— love, kai. ♡
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✎ — 05.11.24: SATURDAY.
( ⚠︎ tw: nsfw, murder, gore, stalking, general obsessiveness, yandere themes. )
DEAR DIARY,
today is saturday, and i have so much to tell you.
first of all, i think jeongguk-hyung is better. which is good, because he hurt my feelings when he was being pissy. i actually wanted to prove to him i was as bad as i claimed to be, so i showed him a bit of my last entry- not that it was about yeonjun-hyung, though. i'm pretty sure they slept together, and normally i would have bashed his head in with my crowbar until his brains oozed from his eye sockets for that, but he was nice enough.. so i held back.
brass tacks: yeonjun-hyung and i really could be soulmates. when i went out to watch him last night, i tried to stay far away. he didn't see me, luckily- i really did feel like a spy because i used binoculars. he's beautiful.. how do you make everything look so sexy? it made me want to get closer, but i wasn't gonna risk being seen. it made me so happy.. my heart was pounding so fast i thought i'd die.
i felt like i would actually die when he came over. i can still feel his fingertips, his body on mine.. i've memorized his length, isn't that funny? he was so sweet about it too, only harsh when i asked him to be.. called me the sweetest things. i've never liked sex too much because of what happened, so i'm so surprised i loved it this time.. he kept saying how pretty i was and how good i was taking him and if i keep writing about it i'll get horny all over again, so.. i had to keep myself from saying i loved him when i came. a guy f***s you good one time and that's all it takes, right? i still can't think straight.. i hope he liked it as much as i did.
i felt bad for a bit after he left. i could have kissed him, even once on the cheek, but maybe that'd scare him off faster. he told me he had a rule about not sleeping with someone more than once, but apparently i'm good enough to be the exception. i don't want that to be what he thinks of me all the time, though.. i don't actually want to be just a sex object to him. i want to mean something to him the way he means something to me. i want it to eat at him too. i know i shouldn't hold myself above anyone else he sleeps with, but.. they don't know him like i do. they wouldn't do what i'd do for him. they wouldn't kill for him, so he has to notice that.. he has to.
aside from that, i went to lea's and met her new boyfriend. he's nice, and lea likes him a lot obviously. i'm happy for her. hiyyih is coming tomorrow, and aqua was happy to play with ruby again. we're all happier since we're away from mom and dad, but.. dad actually texted me this morning like he didn't ruin my whole life, said he loved me. he's lying because he wants drugs. i can't bring myself to block his number.
i think that's all.. if i think of anything else, i'll add an addendum. i'll see you tomorrow! (•ᴗ•)
— love, kai. ♡
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✎ — 05.12.24: SUNDAY.
( ⚠︎ tw: description of murder, gore, stalking, general obsessiveness, yandere themes. )
DEAR DIARY,
today is sunday. everything happened at once. i'm not going to make this an extremely long entry even though i could.. i have other things to do.
so for starters, yeonjun-hyung went to some stupid party last night. i want to say that's where all the problems started, but it really wasn't. initially i wasn't going to bother worrying about every single person getting handsy with him, because there's too many for me to do anything about it.. but of course i had to follow and watch him, and lo and behold, jeongguk was there. for some f***ing reason. i didn't get that part. he can't even drink or do any drugs apparently, but that's not even the worst part.
the real kicker was his entitled ass thinking he actually deserves yeonjun-hyung for anything. he kept talking about how much hyung "loves" sleeping with him, which i don't believe considering i know he likes me better, but the thing that got me was the fact that he told me he'd keep doing it.. which he won't be doing, obviously, because guess what? i'll grab him by the hair and smash his head against the wall over and over again until his skull cracks open, watch the life drain from his face and his eyes roll back, pin him to the floor and stab him in the throat, cut open his stomach, pull out his insides and see him writhing in pain, cut up his face until he's unrecognisable. that'll fix it. that should fix it all, right? what if i did that to all of them? would you finally listen to me then? would you finally be only mine?
but since this is a relationship, i want to focus on the positive things.. the most important thing in the entire world. i took yeonjun-hyung home last night, because he's so cute that he got drunk and i wasn't gonna let him drive, obviously. i tried to tell him everything that was going on and what was gonna happen from now on, but he must have been so out of it he couldn't understand anything, which is okay. i will make him see me. i will pry his shaking hands from his gorgeous eyes and force him to bear witness to what he's done to me. i don't want anyone else now. i need to be inside him, to slip under his skin, to climb into his ribcage and nestle by his heart sleep in there, that way i’d be able to fully feel his warmth and be completely enveloped in him, with no distance between us. i can’t be any further away from him than that.
i'll keep watch over him today. i should have just tied him up to keep him here, but i think he wants to be with me anyways. he does. he does. he does. he loves me. ♡
and he's gonna know that i do too, with every fiber of my being. none of those stupid f***ing cunts he sleeps with would ever do that for him. none of them. they wouldn't learn his schedule to the dot, or follow him home to make sure he's safe, or fix cameras in his room to watch him even when they're away from him. they wouldn't tear their lungs out.. but baby, i would rip my spine out for you, i would murder someone in cold blood so you could walk on their body to protect your feet. i would rip out my own vocal cords, tear out my eyeballs if that's what you wanted. i would starve myself until i'm dead if you asked, i would run away with you, i'd go to jail, i'd kill your family, i'd steal, murder, hurt, do anything the second you asked.
you see me. you know who i am and what i'd do for you, what i will do for you if those worthless pigs don't f*** off soon. you're gonna see it, and you're gonna know at that moment i'm the only one for you.
done for today.. i'll come back tomorrow..
— love, kai. ♡
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✎ — 05.13.24: MONDAY.
( ⚠︎ tw: suicide, self harm, slight gore, obsession. )
DEAR DIARY,
today is monday. i'm sleepy today, so i'm not going to write much even though yesterday was a roller coaster.. with a happy ending (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶)
jeongguk and i talked. i actually offered to make amends, but he was being grumpy about it still. he said i was sick in the head and that i was being coercive, which is just ridiculous because yeonjun-hyung is absolutely in love with me and doing this because he wants to. i'm starting to think that jeongguk's just jealous he doesn't have a bond with someone like me and yeonjun-hyung have with each other. i'm not empty anymore. i have a purpose now and i'm nothing without him.
yeonjun-hyung talked to me about my conversation with jeongguk from the night of the party. he said he didn't love me romantically, he's so silly.. that obviously isn't true because we're dating!! but for some reason i had a delusional moment where i actually believed he didn't. i freaked out.. i really did consider just killing myself!! the only reason i didn't cut myself up was because i convinced him to come see me. he was gonna do it anyways after he was done with his family event, but i think i got him to come early because i was really distraught. anyway, he came over.. and he was so sweet about it. things happened. i got to carve my name into his thigh.. he even asked me to, it was so cute how much he begged. in exchange for that, i had him promise not to sleep with anyone but me, and he agreed!! he's so pretty when he's in pain and his blood tastes so sweet, i wanna cut my own palm and mix his with mine ♡
that part was amazing, but it isn't at all the best part.. i got to fall asleep with him last night, and i didn't even need to tie him up!! he's so soft and warm.. it's like no matter how much i cuddle into him i need to be closer, it isn't enough.. i want to fuse right into his side. anyway, he made breakfast. yeonjun-hyung is such a good cook too!! i wanted to help him, but since it's a sleepy day i couldn't stay awake long enough.. and i tend to burn myself often, but i'd do it over and over on purpose if hyung would kiss it better!! he told me to go back to sleep, he's so sweet!! he said he doesn't have any plans today and neither do i, so i'll keep him here as long as i can. i'm not a stalker. i'm his guardian angel. ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭♡
it's been fun, but i can't write much longer or my hand will cramp. goodbye, i'll be back tomorrow!! (..◜ᴗ◝..)
— love, kai. ♡
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✎ — 05.14.24: TUESDAY.
( ⚠︎ tw: cyberstalking. mentions of depression, suicide, abuse / trauma, alcoholism, drug use. )
DEAR DIARY,
today is tuesday. you'd be surprised to hear that not a lot of bad things exactly happened since yesterday, so this may be a shorter entry ^_^
it started off a little difficult though, because there was all this talk about yeonjun-hyung's roommate. i normally wouldn't take much issue with that, but apparently this soobin character knows him better than me.. so i was so pissed off for a bit. i did some stalking around on social media looking into him, and i made plans to eliminate him from the equatuon.. i may still do it, but not right now..
the important thing: i told yeonjun-hyung about some things that happened to me before. i was really scared he was going to leave me, but he's perfect.. he didn't, because he's good and would never leave me. i told him about how i get so sad.. how i don't leave my room for days, and almost about how i've tried to die. i mentioned that dad used to hurt us. he took it very kindly.. i almost told him about the drugs, mom's alcohol.. but i wouldn't have wanted to upset him with those specifics. he held me for a while, and nothing sexual came out of it.. i enjoy sex with him, i do, but i like simple things like that better. but yes, we talked for a while. for once, i felt normal. i felt loved in totality, which is really indescribable the first time you feel that way.. i could have stayed there forever. i wanted to kiss him so bad- i'm staring at him right now and i still do.. he's so heartbreakingly beautiful.
i asked him on a date. i didn't have to threaten to hurt myself.. he just said yes. he said he would love to. we're going to the carnival.. friday. i feel lucky. i don't know how i got here, or what i did to deserve him. i know i don't deserve him, really, but i would never let him go. i almost cried again, and then i went back to sleep.. it would have been happy tears.
i have to go now, because i have guardian angel work to do. i'll write tomorrow as always. (>ᴗ<) ☆
— love, kai. ♡
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✎ — 05.08.24: WEDNESDAY.
DEAR DIARY,
i got a new diary since i destroyed the last one ^ᴗ^ as always, i’ll try to write here daily.
i don’t have anyone to watch. i didn’t before, ever since minho broke up with me, but my chances of finding someone else are slim right now. i miss watching. i'm sad about it, so i’m going to lea’s on saturday once i get all my stuff packed. i miss her.. i have to bring my friends with me. i need a bigger suitcase for them. on another note, i don’t like parties, but i’m thinking about scouting some out.. just to watch.
i’m done writing for today. i’ll be back tomorrow!
— love, kai. ♡
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( ⚠︎ tw: self harm. )
✎ — 05.09.24: THURSDAY.
DEAR DIARY,
today is thursday, and it's been actually kind of productive so far.
i did more packing, but only for about an hour until i wanted to draw. i decided on the blood eagle from hannibal today.. i really like that one, it's so pretty.. i'll try to get it done by saturday. (little hearts are drawn around the words "blood eagle.")
thanatos came to my room last night. i didn't want to see him as usual, but he didn't leave until i cut myself, which i did do. you know that thing where you're planning on doing a chore, and then your mom tells you to do it, and you get annoyed? hearing him tell me to cut myself was kind of like that, because i was planning on doing it anyways because i felt stupid.. ugh. i had to cry and cuddle aqua to feel better..
i've met some new people.
❥ jeon jeongguk is kinda weird, and seems a little sardonic, but he asked about leo and wanted to know what i was doing today. i guess i'm going to drop off weed for him, which is gross, but.. i wanted to be nice.
❥ choi yeonjun is funny.. he's definitely bolder than me, and an extrovert. hyung likes parties. he says a lot of weird words, and he seems like the typical frat boy type.. especially considering he won't stop calling me stupid names that make me blush. he calls me pretty boy.. baby, princess.. doll. it's weird. i dropped off alcohol for him last night and only looked at him for a second before i got scared and left..
❥ park jiwoo seems sweet. she asked me if i was ghostface because i asked if she liked horror movies.. i'm not sexy enough to be ghostface. i want to talk more with her.
❥ then there's park jisung, who i only spoke with once. he asked about leo too. i don't know why, but i get the feeling he's a little screwed up just by the way he talks.
i think that's everything for today. i need to finish getting things packed up. i'll be around again tomorrow as usual!
— love, kai. ♡
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✎ — 05.10.24: FRIDAY.
( ⚠︎ tw: mentions of stalking, self harm, general obsessiveness. )
DEAR DIARY,
today is friday, finally. i went to class, but i couldn't focus very well. i had a lot on my mind.
jeongguk's been a little angry lately. he says he isn't angry, but he's been acting more passive aggressive with me. he's angry. what did i do to him? if i liked him any more than i do now he'd have a real reason to cut me off.. maybe i'll make him see that.
the important thing: i'm writing a letter for yeonjun-hyung. i like him. i would cut myself again to write it in blood, but i think i'd pass out too many times like i did with sunghoon's letters.. and maybe hyung wouldn't like it. no, he would.. he has to, because he'd know how that represents my loyalty. maybe it isn't such a bad idea. i'll write the last bit in that perfect red. i'm so excited! ♡
did i say enough about yeonjun-hyung anyways? i could rip my f***ing skin off, he's so sweet! he's gonna give me his hoodie. i was gonna break in and steal it anyways, but this makes it so much easier for me.
( kai's handwriting becomes a little sloppier here. )
we're really compatible. he says he'd let me chase him with my knife and i haven't stopped shaking about it all day (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶) i wouldn't kill him, i wouldn't ever dream of hurting him, only if he tries to leave me. i think he's my soulmate! i know we met not even a week ago and i said that about taehyun and sunghoon and minho, but really, this could be the real deal this time! he's kind and he's charming and he's so handsome, i wish i could describe it to you. i'll have to take pictures to print off and put in this book. his hair falls so perfectly on his face.. the color of his eyes reminds me of the depth and expanse of the night sky, a vast dazzling macrocosm of soft velvet and glimmering pinpricks of light. so pretty. my heart stopped the very second i saw him and i want to live for this alone. i wonder if he sings in the shower. i can find out tonight, can't i? i'm sure he's warm and inviting, soft and gentle. i wanna listen to his heart beating. i wanna crawl into his skin. i wanna live in his ribcage and eat his heart.
i'm going to go watch him tonight. if i like what i see, i'll try getting in tomorrow. i'll see you soon! (•ᴗ•)
— love, kai. ♡
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✎ — 05.11.24: SATURDAY.
( ⚠︎ tw: nsfw, murder, gore, stalking, general obsessiveness, yandere themes. )
DEAR DIARY,
today is saturday, and i have so much to tell you.
first of all, i think jeongguk-hyung is better. which is good, because he hurt my feelings when he was being pissy. i actually wanted to prove to him i was as bad as i claimed to be, so i showed him a bit of my last entry- not that it was about yeonjun-hyung, though. i'm pretty sure they slept together, and normally i would have bashed his head in with my crowbar until his brains oozed from his eye sockets for that, but he was nice enough.. so i held back.
brass tacks: yeonjun-hyung and i really could be soulmates. when i went out to watch him last night, i tried to stay far away. he didn't see me, luckily- i really did feel like a spy because i used binoculars. he's beautiful.. how do you make everything look so sexy? it made me want to get closer, but i wasn't gonna risk being seen. it made me so happy.. my heart was pounding so fast i thought i'd die.
i felt like i would actually die when he came over. i can still feel his fingertips, his body on mine.. i've memorized his length, isn't that funny? he was so sweet about it too, only harsh when i asked him to be.. called me the sweetest things. i've never liked sex too much because of what happened, so i'm so surprised i loved it this time.. he kept saying how pretty i was and how good i was taking him and if i keep writing about it i'll get horny all over again, so.. i had to keep myself from saying i loved him when i came. a guy f***s you good one time and that's all it takes, right? i still can't think straight.. i hope he liked it as much as i did.
i felt bad for a bit after he left. i could have kissed him, even once on the cheek, but maybe that'd scare him off faster. he told me he had a rule about not sleeping with someone more than once, but apparently i'm good enough to be the exception. i don't want that to be what he thinks of me all the time, though.. i don't actually want to be just a sex object to him. i want to mean something to him the way he means something to me. i want it to eat at him too. i know i shouldn't hold myself above anyone else he sleeps with, but.. they don't know him like i do. they wouldn't do what i'd do for him. they wouldn't kill for him, so he has to notice that.. he has to.
aside from that, i went to lea's and met her new boyfriend. he's nice, and lea likes him a lot obviously. i'm happy for her. hiyyih is coming tomorrow, and aqua was happy to play with ruby again. we're all happier since we're away from mom and dad, but.. dad actually texted me this morning like he didn't ruin my whole life, said he loved me. he's lying because he wants drugs. i can't bring myself to block his number.
i think that's all.. if i think of anything else, i'll add an addendum. i'll see you tomorrow! (•ᴗ•)
— love, kai. ♡
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✎ — 05.12.24: SUNDAY.
( ⚠︎ tw: description of murder, gore, stalking, general obsessiveness, yandere themes. )
DEAR DIARY,
today is sunday. everything happened at once. i'm not going to make this an extremely long entry even though i could.. i have other things to do.
so for starters, yeonjun-hyung went to some stupid party last night. i want to say that's where all the problems started, but it really wasn't. initially i wasn't going to bother worrying about every single person getting handsy with him, because there's too many for me to do anything about it.. but of course i had to follow and watch him, and lo and behold, jeongguk was there. for some f***ing reason. i didn't get that part. he can't even drink or do any drugs apparently, but that's not even the worst part.
the real kicker was his entitled ass thinking he actually deserves yeonjun-hyung for anything. he kept talking about how much hyung "loves" sleeping with him, which i don't believe considering i know he likes me better, but the thing that got me was the fact that he told me he'd keep doing it.. which he won't be doing, obviously, because guess what? i'll grab him by the hair and smash his head against the wall over and over again until his skull cracks open, watch the life drain from his face and his eyes roll back, pin him to the floor and stab him in the throat, cut open his stomach, pull out his insides and see him writhing in pain, cut up his face until he's unrecognisable. that'll fix it. that should fix it all, right? what if i did that to all of them? would you finally listen to me then? would you finally be only mine?
but since this is a relationship, i want to focus on the positive things.. the most important thing in the entire world. i took yeonjun-hyung home last night, because he's so cute that he got drunk and i wasn't gonna let him drive, obviously. i tried to tell him everything that was going on and what was gonna happen from now on, but he must have been so out of it he couldn't understand anything, which is okay. i will make him see me. i will pry his shaking hands from his gorgeous eyes and force him to bear witness to what he's done to me. i don't want anyone else now. i need to be inside him, to slip under his skin, to climb into his ribcage and nestle by his heart sleep in there, that way i’d be able to fully feel his warmth and be completely enveloped in him, with no distance between us. i can’t be any further away from him than that.
i'll keep watch over him today. i should have just tied him up to keep him here, but i think he wants to be with me anyways. he does. he does. he does. he loves me. ♡
and he's gonna know that i do too, with every fiber of my being. none of those stupid f***ing cunts he sleeps with would ever do that for him. none of them. they wouldn't learn his schedule to the dot, or follow him home to make sure he's safe, or fix cameras in his room to watch him even when they're away from him. they wouldn't tear their lungs out.. but baby, i would rip my spine out for you, i would murder someone in cold blood so you could walk on their body to protect your feet. i would rip out my own vocal cords, tear out my eyeballs if that's what you wanted. i would starve myself until i'm dead if you asked, i would run away with you, i'd go to jail, i'd kill your family, i'd steal, murder, hurt, do anything the second you asked.
you see me. you know who i am and what i'd do for you, what i will do for you if those worthless pigs don't f*** off soon. you're gonna see it, and you're gonna know at that moment i'm the only one for you.
done for today.. i'll come back tomorrow..
— love, kai. ♡
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✎ — 05.13.24: MONDAY.
( ⚠︎ tw: suicide, self harm, slight gore, obsession. )
DEAR DIARY,
today is monday. i'm sleepy today, so i'm not going to write much even though yesterday was a roller coaster.. with a happy ending (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶)
jeongguk and i talked. i actually offered to make amends, but he was being grumpy about it still. he said i was sick in the head and that i was being coercive, which is just ridiculous because yeonjun-hyung is absolutely in love with me and doing this because he wants to. i'm starting to think that jeongguk's just jealous he doesn't have a bond with someone like me and yeonjun-hyung have with each other. i'm not empty anymore. i have a purpose now and i'm nothing without him.
yeonjun-hyung talked to me about my conversation with jeongguk from the night of the party. he said he didn't love me romantically, he's so silly.. that obviously isn't true because we're dating!! but for some reason i had a delusional moment where i actually believed he didn't. i freaked out.. i really did consider just killing myself!! the only reason i didn't cut myself up was because i convinced him to come see me. he was gonna do it anyways after he was done with his family event, but i think i got him to come early because i was really distraught. anyway, he came over.. and he was so sweet about it. things happened. i got to carve my name into his thigh.. he even asked me to, it was so cute how much he begged. in exchange for that, i had him promise not to sleep with anyone but me, and he agreed!! he's so pretty when he's in pain and his blood tastes so sweet, i wanna cut my own palm and mix his with mine ♡
that part was amazing, but it isn't at all the best part.. i got to fall asleep with him last night, and i didn't even need to tie him up!! he's so soft and warm.. it's like no matter how much i cuddle into him i need to be closer, it isn't enough.. i want to fuse right into his side. anyway, he made breakfast. yeonjun-hyung is such a good cook too!! i wanted to help him, but since it's a sleepy day i couldn't stay awake long enough.. and i tend to burn myself often, but i'd do it over and over on purpose if hyung would kiss it better!! he told me to go back to sleep, he's so sweet!! he said he doesn't have any plans today and neither do i, so i'll keep him here as long as i can. i'm not a stalker. i'm his guardian angel. ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭♡
it's been fun, but i can't write much longer or my hand will cramp. goodbye, i'll be back tomorrow!! (..◜ᴗ◝..)
— love, kai. ♡
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✎ — 05.14.24: TUESDAY.
( ⚠︎ tw: cyberstalking. mentions of depression, suicide, abuse / trauma, alcoholism, drug use. )
DEAR DIARY,
today is tuesday. you'd be surprised to hear that not a lot of bad things exactly happened since yesterday, so this may be a shorter entry ^_^
it started off a little difficult though, because there was all this talk about yeonjun-hyung's roommate. i normally wouldn't take much issue with that, but apparently this soobin character knows him better than me.. so i was so pissed off for a bit. i did some stalking around on social media looking into him, and i made plans to eliminate him from the equatuon.. i may still do it, but not right now..
the important thing: i told yeonjun-hyung about some things that happened to me before. i was really scared he was going to leave me, but he's perfect.. he didn't, because he's good and would never leave me. i told him about how i get so sad.. how i don't leave my room for days, and almost about how i've tried to die. i mentioned that dad used to hurt us. he took it very kindly.. i almost told him about the drugs, mom's alcohol.. but i wouldn't have wanted to upset him with those specifics. he held me for a while, and nothing sexual came out of it.. i enjoy sex with him, i do, but i like simple things like that better. but yes, we talked for a while. for once, i felt normal. i felt loved in totality, which is really indescribable the first time you feel that way.. i could have stayed there forever. i wanted to kiss him so bad- i'm staring at him right now and i still do.. he's so heartbreakingly beautiful.
i asked him on a date. i didn't have to threaten to hurt myself.. he just said yes. he said he would love to. we're going to the carnival.. friday. i feel lucky. i don't know how i got here, or what i did to deserve him. i know i don't deserve him, really, but i would never let him go. i almost cried again, and then i went back to sleep.. it would have been happy tears.
i have to go now, because i have guardian angel work to do. i'll write tomorrow as always. (>ᴗ<) ☆
— love, kai. ♡
5 | May 8th 2024 15:54